with or without you ;; cass · complete

[gareth nash brace]

I love you. Three simple words that were heard a million times every day, especially in Paris. The world capital of love, where so many weddings and honeymoons and even just plain romantic dates took place that the statistics had a hard time counting. Even today, Gareth was sure that those three words had already been said hundreds of times by hundreds of people, and yet his own throat was as dry as the Grand Canyon at noon when he thought about why he was going to Ciaran's house. Sure, a few days ago, Cass had almost managed to drag him to the Tuileries Gardens on an oddly artistic date, but they had luckily been caught by a teacher before managing to get off the school campus. Maybe Gareth had caused that by purposely making a little too much noise in the halls... but nothing too bad had happened. Cass had gotten a lecture, Gareth had gotten a simple glare, and they had both ended up cleaning the school grounds for two hours after everyone else had left. Gareth wasn't even sure if Cass had tried to talk to him during that time or not, because he had been so absorbed in the art of ignoring his tormenter.

And now he was going to that same person's house to tell them that he loved them. How had he changed so much in the past few days? Just yesterday, even, he would have denied that he was interested in Cass in any way; he would have shot down the idea of even a simple friendship. Maybe that was why no sound came out of him when he opened his mouth, why every cough he tried to make sounded dull and hollow, and even his whistling sounded like a wheezing dog? He loved Cass, he had admitted it to himself just earlier today. And all because of some conversation over the internet with someone he had seen around school a few times, but had never actually opened his mouth to talk to. Someone who knew Cass quite well, and apparently said that all the signs were there. And he had shut his laptop for hours on end to think, have some time to himself while he sat like a lifeless corpse on his bed and filled his head with confused thoughts about Ciaran Cassidy Corbett. And his feelings; lots of thoughts about his feelings. Cass and feelings had never shared space in his head before, and when they finally had, Gareth seemed like an idiot to even himself.

Grossly simplified, he was in love for the first time since first grade.

And yet as he walked down the Paris streets, he couldn't even open his mouth to say anything, not even to himself. Couldn't even form coherent thoughts in his mind. Gareth still had no idea how he had managed to send a simple text to Cass, asking if he could come over. No idea how he had managed to read the response and memorize his address before setting out onto the chilly streets. He looked blankly up at the next row of buildings, checking the addresses for anything that matched the numbers flying through his head. They were closer than the last street, but he still had some walking to do. That was okay. That was good, in fact. It would give him some time to clear his thoughts. Or rather, get some thoughts in his head. His mind was already clear enough as it was. Thinking about Cass just sent another stab of panic into his stomach, though.

What if he was rejected? Why was he even doing this in the first place? It had been a spur of the moment decision to tell his feelings to Ciaran; before, he had planned on keeping them to himself for the rest of his pathetic little life, but for the split second in which he had decided to send that text, it had somehow seemed like a good idea to go spilling his feelings. That was so stupid of him. Since when had it been a good idea to share his thoughts? Look what it had done to his father; kicked out of the house and turned into a slut. Ever since he had learned that, Gareth had kept his feelings to himself, and now he was about to go contradicting the last ten years of his life all because of some boy he liked. But at the same time, it hurt to think about keeping this from Cass. Rejection would be better than watching him find someone else.

Online chats were so simple. You typed something with your fingers and sent it; no need to say what you were really feeling. He seemed had seemed so calm and collected earlier today, but it was all a lie. He felt like he was dying, like something was wrapping a hand around the organ that pumped blood through his body and squeezing as hard as it could. He had been feeling like this ever since Cass had demanded to know what Gareth wasn't telling him, and yet what he had typed had made it seem like he was still sane. Of course he wasn't sane, who could be possibly called sane when they were feeling like this? Gareth glanced up at the buildings again, and the numbers were much closer. Just a few numbers away, just a few steps, and he would have to force his voice to work. He didn't want to do this, and yet it seemed like the world would end if he didn't.

Wasn't taking deep breaths supposed to help people calm down? Apparently nothing could calm Gareth's nerves right now, because they felt like an elephant had just trampled all over them and left him in a mess of nervousness and, for some reason, guilt. Why was he guilty for doing this? Was it because he knew that Cass flirted with almost everyone and everything, and that having Gareth around like that would just tie him down? He didn't want Cass to be unhappy like that. Was he selfish for trying to spend more time with Cass? For wanting Ciaran to like him that way? Maybe he was, but when he thought about it, the simple fact was that he didn't care. He just needed to know if Cass felt the same way or not, though judging on how Cass hadn't broken down in tears in the past few days, he probably didn't. It was a cold night, and when Gareth reached up a hand to warm up his face, he noticed that his cheeks were damp. He was crying? He couldn't remember it starting, though judging on how his breath was continuing to hitch in his throat, it had been happening for quite a while.

Once he had gotten control of his tears, he looked up at the addresses again. One of them looked oddly familiar... quickly comparing it to the string of numbers in his mind and the numbers that Cass had texted him, he concluded that he must be at Ciaran's house. Already? It had taken no time at all, yet it took a lifetime to force his legs to start moving in the direction of his door and forever plus one to get his hand to ring the door bell.

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

Screw school! It was annoying and unnecessary when you had talent! That’s what Cass wanted to say whenever he was thrown into detention or forced to play maid and clean afterwards. Wasn’t that what Japanese kids were taught to do when they were younger? Yeah well he wasn’t one of those, he was a fine British boy with a tendency to never be comfortable with what he wanted and complain about everything when he was in a bad mood, and he was in one of those bad moods by the way. Not only had his plans for the other afternoon been horribly tampered in the worst way, but also Gareth and Anouk started being all mysterious and ignoring him during online chats. He could’ve been able to handle the detention thing if his plans for that particular day had included normal stuff like fooling around bars or meeting up with someone random but he had actually gotten Gareth to agree to a date with him for the first time. Alright, so it took a little bit of convincing and even then Cass was pretty sure Gareth was on his way to a swift and sneaky escape when he returned to the classroom but he was so sure they would’ve gotten out if things had gone smoothly. Well, smoothly wasn’t exactly how things went and (Cass blamed Garbear on this one) a professor caught them on their way out. He and Garbear didn’t speak much after that, mostly because Cass was pissed and, as usual, Gareth had been avoiding him. Like a five year old Cass really wanted to go out to the gardens with Gareth and having that taken away from him, and when it hadn’t even been his fault, turned his mood into that of a spoiled brat who sulked while being punished. Then he just had to go online and find Gareth and Anouk talking about him and just not filling him in. Cass found it annoying, because like every bad sport he couldn’t handle when the tables were turned. He didn’t think he ever talked about people as if they weren’t there though, so who knows if the analogy would work. Since when did they get along anyway…?

Oh well, Cass got over that kind of stuff pretty fast and soon enough he was playing around with Gareth and others online again. Speaking of playing… just what exactly Cass was doing with Gareth? As it happened with most things, Ciaran didn’t exactly give it much of a thought. Like when he painted, he just let things flow, he just let stuff happen and in the end magic worked and everything was ok. In a way it could be seen as Ciaran’s philosophy of life. He just winged it off and ended up being a good painter. He just let it flow and ended up entering La Lumineuse. He just let things roll and he and Anouk quickly became a couple/pair/somethingweird stuff. Things just worked like that with Cass and the other day he happened to notice he was doing the same with Gareth.

Annoying the photographer had been the initial drive to do anything, even approaching him. His pretty blue eyes saw someone annoyable and his brain instantly devised ways of annoying him even more. The more he looked for Gareth to bug him the more he looked for him just to be with him which wasn’t exactly common for Cass, at all. Up until some time ago the only people he actively looked for were Anouk and his parents… and his parents because well… they were his parents. Cass couldn’t pinpoint the moment in which he first took his phone out and texted Gareth without a real reason or excuse. Of course he always made it sound like a joke, as if it didn’t matter and as if he did it with everyone that surrounded him, but it wasn’t that way. Gareth had become special, and Cass just couldn’t tell why. Few times he sat and thought about that. He barely had time to actually sit considering he was like a hyperactive five year old with a Red Bull overdose. His world consisted on moving around, talking, painting, talking, painting some more, and then stick some eating in the middle of the talking and that was that. Perhaps the only moment in which he actually could sit and think was when he was in the bath tub… but bath tub musings were so cliché that he was ashamed of even trying them. He never reached a conclusion anyway, his mind was always so scattered that when he could finally picture Gareth’s face, smiling at him, all he could do was smile back at the white tiles and sink his head on the warm water. It was so ridiculous hence he never tried it.

Gareth’s text had surprised him, quite a lot. It was usually Cass the one who started the texting and it usually ended up in Gareth asking him to not text him ever again. Cass never listened of course. So the text came as something weird, out of the ordinary even. Cass responded as if nothing was different and gave the other his address as requested. Upon noticing what he had done a few curses echoed through the studio as he realized the place looked as if a nuclear warhead had exploded in there. Walls which once had been white were covered in various colors, product of his emotional outbursts and creative blocks. There were also clothe items scattered around, pizza boxes, a few beer cans and he could not remember for the life of him just under what pile of rubble his dining table was. “Bloody fuck” He mumbled as he searched inside one of the kitchen cabinets to find a black garbage bag in order to toss everything inside.

By the time he was done the place looked… habitable… just in time as the bell rang. A little panicky fit forced him to throw the garbage bag inside one of the various closets, along with his art supplies and a few dirty clothes. Mental note, that closet was sealed. Why was he even cleaning up? An army of chicks and dudes had passed through that studio and not once Cass bothered to pick up the banana peel from two weeks ago. Kicking the double windows open for some fresh air he yelled at the door “COMING!” Yeah because knowing Garbear he’d change his mind as soon as the bell rang and he would be heading back home by now. Skidding to the door he practically collided against it before taking a hold of the knob and opening it. “I’m here!” He exclaimed, panting and his hair messed up from the swift cleaning process. “Come in Garbear what did you… want…?” He started and finished the question but didn’t care for the answer anymore as he noticed Gareth’s red and puffy eyes, obvious product of crying. “What’s wrong? What happened?” The tint of fear in his voice was evident as he, as usual, reached over and grabbed Garbear’s hands this time to pull him inside the studio. “Did someone do something to you? Who was it? I’ll kill them I swear.” Cass wouldn’t stop talking as he peeked outside his door to see if someone had followed Gareth or something like that. Nothing and no one was there so he closed the door and returned to the other. “What’s wrong?” He repeated the question, suddenly feeling powerless…. And a bit protective…


NOTES: I'll post it like this and then add a template coz I must sleep too xD

[gareth nash brace]

Even in the few seconds that Cass made Gareth wait before opening the door, the photographer was already considering turning around and going home. Probably to bury himself under pillows and blankets and sleep for a few weeks, but that was just the way he spent his time when he was sad. Well, not sad exactly, because right now he was definitely not sad. It was just what he did when he was... what kind of category could love and depression both fit into? Experiencing intense feelings other than happiness? That could work. Until he found something better, that was. But that train of thought could be saved until later, because as soon as the door opened, all of Gareth's mind was focused on the person that had opened it. It was a good thing that they didn't have any classes together at the school, because the third year would probably find himself with a gaping hole in his grades caused solely by the sudden reluctance to take his eyes off Cass. Were relationships always like this? Ciaran constantly hunting him down to annoy him had been bad enough, but this was even worse. Of course, Gareth would probably never get so far out of his shell that he would go hunting Cass down himself, but he wasn't going to push the painter away, either. It suddenly seemed like he had had a lot of free time for the past three years that was about to be filled.

Of course, that was only if Cass wanted it to be...

”H-hi,” he managed to get out before Cass noticed that he had been crying. Why did crying always leave proof in its tracks? It would have been so much simpler if he could have erased the proof along with the tears themselves, and probably save Ciaran some worry. Gareth didn't want to see Cass worried, though some part of him was happy that it was for him... But he needed to stop those kind of thoughts if he was ever going to manage to speak again. ”No, I'm fine... it's just.” He didn't want Cass to kill the person that had made him cry, because it would pretty much be committing suicide, and right now, Gareth couldn't deal with a life without Cass in it. He was annoying, but the photographer couldn't see anything bad about that anymore. ”Don't hurt anyone, please. I just needed to tell you what I wasn't telling you earlier.”

If you had gone back to as early as this morning and Cass had grabbed Gareth's hands like this, he would have simply frowned and dealt with it until he could find a chance to get away. Oddly enough, though, that was a better reaction than the one he gave most people. Not that anyone else grabbed his hands, but even with family, he automatically ripped away from the slightest touch. With Ciaran, he had at least waited until he could find an opportunity to slink away without offending the younger boy. Obviously, things were different now. Cass normally just ended up grabbing Gareth's perfectly still hands, but this time Gareth was gripping the painter's hands like his life depended on it. ”I've been so stupid.” It was more of a breath than actual speech, but it was still possible to hear. And yes, he had been extremely stupid. In was no use denying it, because that was exactly what he had been doing ever since he had first started liking Cass. Denying and denying that he liked anyone, let alone this boy standing in front of him and holding his hands.

And suddenly, Gareth didn't want to be just holding hands. No, he wasn't about to take off his shirt for Cass again, but he somehow managed to untangle their hands, wrapping his arms around Ciaran's neck instead. He hand to stand on his toes to do it, but that was okay. ”I'm sorry for being such an idiot.. I love you,” he whispered. It was a whisper because if it had been anything more, it would have been a yell. There was no middle volume for saying something like that, but he had finally said it. He just hoped that Cass felt the same way.

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

Cass was literally ready to kick anyone’s face and split their ass in two. It might have taken him a few tries, a couple trips to the hospital and maybe some empty threats but he’d still get whoever was making Garbear cry. He would’ve done the same thing if Anouk was the one crying, especially if said someone was Alex but there was a certain bias in that statement. He just couldn’t stand Alex, as simple as that. The overprotective little streak that came from Cass was reserved for people he actually considered close. If, for example, the princess were the one crying he would’ve gone down another road and tried to cheer her up instead of threatening whoever brought harm upon her. He liked the princess a lot, and he liked bugging her as much as he liked bugging Garbear but with the princess it stopped there. They weren’t close and Cass certainly wouldn’t go out of his comfort zone to do anything for her. For Gareth though… well here he was, asking for information so he could proceed with the pertinent action.

Gareth’s face was really scaring Cass. He was used to many of Gareth’s faces; he had seen him angry, indifferent, annoyed and even a faint smile had sneaked out every now and then for which Cass was quite thankful. Never before he had seen him so upset. Upset was something Cass couldn’t exactly deal with. He knew how to cheer someone up when they were sad, or when they were angry at someone else but he didn’t know how to do it with someone like Gareth who was usually so quiet about everything and always so under control… except when he got him to blush like a teenage girl but that wasn’t the point right now. Tilting his head Cass waited for an explanation, or at least for whatever Gareth was willing to share. The mention of what he was hiding earlier brought a frown upon his features. Cass didn’t like to be ignored, and in a way Gareth and Anouk had been doing so earlier while being online. Not only that, he didn’t like it when people kept secrets, especially of those secrets were about him and so he threw a little tantrum and went offline. Ok, so he also was supposed to finish a little essay he had been procrastinating for weeks but the emotional outburst had been the primary reason for him to go offline.

Feeling Gareth return the hand gripping gesture made Cass’ heart skip a few beats. That was another ‘first’ in the list of things the photographer was doing today and Cass would’ve enjoyed it a lot more if it weren’t for the fact that Gareth wasn’t smiling at all. His poor chest couldn’t take the mad rhythm his heart had taken anymore and Cass was sure he would’ve suffered of a stroke or a heart attack when Gareth mentioned being stupid if he weren’t young and healthy. Cass’ mind started traveling fast and far, thinking of the many things Gareth could’ve done for him to say he had been stupid. Almost everything went though his mind… from getting a girl pregnant to killing someone and hiding their body in the Eiffel Tower all while passing through illegal drug dealing and mob problems. Cass’ imagination could really go wild every once in a while. The last thing that his mind offered in a silver plate was the possibility of Garbear sleeping with Anouk and all of a sudden their secretive streak and the fact that Anouk just broke up and said something about Gareth explaining why made a lot more sense. Now if his heart had been unstable before he was very sure it stopped for at least a couple seconds now. Color, what little he had, was drained from his face and he directed a panicky Edward Scissorhands look at Gareth but before he could say anything arms were wrapped around his neck and he unknowingly bent over slightly so Gareth wouldn’t struggle too much to keep that position. He still unblinking eyes were glued on the other male as he spoke, the words not exactly sinking in the way they should’ve. “Oh thank lord it’s just that!” His arms flew forward to surround Gareth and Cass easily lifted him from the ground absolutely thrilled that none of his crazy fantasies were true but wait… rewind… what? Cass loosened his grip on Gareth and allowed him to fall to the ground again but left his arms dangling around his torso as he pulled back and gave him a surprised look. “Wait, what?” His voice echoed the question his mind was currently assaulting him. Did he just say what he thought he said? He took a shower this morning so his ears were clean and Gareth spoke clearly enough despite it being just a whisper. “Seriously?” The rollercoaster of emotions Cass had experienced in the last minute finally settled on a very pleasant and warming thing that could be defined as ‘pleasant’. The smile on his face was proof, he wasn’t smiling as a dork or as a devious monster; he looked more like the lucky guy who just got the best news on the world. “You’re not like… getting back at me for being annoying?” Ok, that was a slip, mostly because deep inside he knew Gareth would never do that. As soon as he realized just what stupidity he had asked he quickly closed the embrace again bringing Gareth up to higher grounds just like before. You know, just in case he decided to escape.

It took Cass an entire minute to pin down what he wanted to say. He was still hugging Gareth up and close with his arms wrapped tightly against his chest and Cass’ face buried on his neck. After his mind stopped doing idiotic cartwheels he finally lifted his face and nuzzled Gareth’s cheek in an affectionate way “I love you too.” He finally admitted and felt awesomely wonderful about it.

[gareth nash brace]

Just that? Gareth had to practically force himself to get those words out, and Cass was applying the word just to it? He didn't really appreciate being lifted off his feet and just as abruptly falling to the ground again, but at least his hold on Ciaran's neck kept him from falling on his face, which he would have done otherwise. And as for the fact that Cass kept his arms around him? No complaints there. In fact, Gareth was quite happy about that. It was just Ciaran's surprise that worried him... did he not feel that way? God, had Gareth just made a fool of himself? ”I... I'm sorry,” he muttered, loosening his grip slightly and moving a few inches away. ”Seriously... but... I mean, if you don't feel that way, it's fine... I can leave...” His voice, already quiet, just got smaller and smaller on its decrescendo until it was barely audible. He didn't want to be rejected, but he wasn't fully sure that that was what Cass was saying.

Rejection had been a big fear of Gareth's for the past ten years, way before he had started liking Cass, or even met him in the first place. Wouldn't anyone have fears like that, if they had been through what Gareth had been through? Admittedly, it hadn't been that bad, but it had still scarred the photographer for life. His father was a bum, and seeing that, he didn't want that to happen to him. At least Oliver hadn't been a pedophile or anything like that... but father and son were complete opposites now. Father drank, son hadn't had even the smallest bit of alcohol since highschool. Oliver slept around, Gareth couldn't stand to be in a relationship of any kind. Though... that had the possibility of changing, if Cass didn't reject him like he currently seemed to be doing. Or was that just Gareth's mild paranoia kicking in again? That was highly likely...

”Of course I'm not getting back at you!” he exclaimed, looking up at Ciaran's face and trying not to cry. Did Cass honestly think that he would do that? But then he was being lifted off his feet again, which confused him and made him horribly happy at the same time. Why was Cass doing this if he had rejected Gareth? ”I... Cass..” He was crying again now, but being quiet about it. Hopefully, Cass wouldn't notice and Gareth could get away with it this time, though that was unlikely. He wasn't sure if his tears were because of sadness or happiness, because he was feeling a lot of both right now. Sadness because he couldn't tell if Cass had rejected him or not, happiness because Cass was touching him and for once, he didn't try to step away. And there was still the possibility that the painter wanted him, after all.

After about a minute of silence, two things happened simultaneously. The first was that Gareth managed to get his feet on the floor again, and the second was that Cass said what Gareth had been waiting to hear for about five minutes. ”Cass,” he said quietly, reaching up to wrap his arms around the taller boy's neck again. He was saying this guy's name a lot tonight, but right now there was something else he wanted. ”Cass, can I...” He wasn't really sure how to phrase it correctly, but to illustrate what he wanted to ask, he took one arm off Ciaran's neck and touched a finger to the younger boy's lips instead. He wasn't really sure why he was asking permission, but it just seemed right to him. And he was only half asking Cass, after all. Part of it was just an excuse to give his brain some time to process what his mouth wanted right now, since, well... he'd never wanted it before. Like everything, he had to put a name to it before he could really do it. ”... Kiss you?”

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

The relief Cass was feeling in his chest right now was unimaginable. He didn’t know what was bothering him the most from the crazy machinations his mind was always playing around with: the fact that Anouk had slept with someone else or the fact that Gareth had… well at least in his mind. He guessed what got him on edge was the image of Garbear with someone else because Anouk… well he loved her but Anouk was Anouk and seeing her settled down with a single person was kinda like a sign of the Apocalypse… he was actually expecting some certain doom from the entire ‘I’m Alex’s girlfriend’ thing she was pulling now but well, if she was happy so was he. But anyway… totally not the point again. The point was that Garbear + someone else who wasn’t Cass = no good. But really, thank god Gareth’s confession was nothing of that, and even more thank gods that he actually said what he said. Now Cass wasn’t the type to think of faerie tale endings; he never pictured himself in a stable thing as much as he didn’t picture Anouk in one. Yet here they were, Cass practically following Gareth like a homeless puppy and she all happy and lovey dovey with Alex. TWISTS AND TURNS, life had them, and enough to spare from the looks of it. Despite his somewhat realistic approach to life, Cass was still holding Gareth as if he were the most precious thing in the world. They only needed some cheesy background music, a few white doves and a ‘The End’ written in some fancy font and anyone would consider their story complete. Of course nothing was complete without a good kiss.

As strange as it sounded, this was entirely new for Ciaran as well. Sure, he flirted like there was no tomorrow to flirt and he entered and exited relationships like a bullet but not once before he had actually been in a situation in which he was the one who wanted something more. He was getting it, so at least that part was solved but as silly and odd as it sounded he didn’t exactly know how to handle this new ‘I kinda happen to love you’ thing. The big advantage with Cass was that he was one hell of an improviser, and flinging things was one of his specialties.

Once Gareth was back on the floor he pulled back and gave the other his most loving and absolutely enthralled look. Not that he didn’t give Gareth that look on a regular basis but this time it held a certain tint of adoration as well. It quickly faded into somewhat of a sad look of realization which looked quite strange as he simply couldn’t get rid of the smile on his lips. “Was it my fault you were crying?” The question didn’t need an answer as Cass already knew. He lifted a thumb and softly drew a line underneath Gareth’s eyes to get rid of the salty tears. “I’m sorry. I’m always making you upset.” He would’ve purred if he were a cat as soon as Gareth wrapped his arms around his neck again. Cass never thought that having Gareth so close without the other trying to pull away or escape from him would feel so good. It was as if all his annoying streaks had finally paid off, even if he never really expected them to. Cass wanted to express just how ridiculously strongly he felt for Gareth but he was simply… well… Cass… the British kid who acted like a fool in order to get people’s attention. He wanted to explain that, and to say a lot more but Gareth interrupted him with that kiss request. His answer was a very pleased chuckle. Who asked that type of stuff nowadays? It was just part of what made Cass feel absolutely mesmerized by the older student. Closing the distance between them, Cass let his lips linger less than an inch away from Gareth’s, skin brushing against skin as he spoke. “No, you can’t. Because I’m kissing you first.” He smiled against the other’s lips as the gap was closed and Ciaran’s lips offered a soft, sweet and almost chaste kiss for Gareth to take.

Cass wasn’t even aware of how long it lasted but he could say without a doubt that this one ranked high in his top three kissing scenes, and only because it had been with Gareth. Pulling back for a moment he opened eyes he didn’t remember closing and looked at Gareth’s shorter form, again not being able to hold back the smile that was begging to be shared with the world. “Does that mean I get to call you Garbear on a regular basis now? My Garbear?” He asked with that devious and playful streak that was so characteristic in him all while running a hand through Gareth’s hair and enjoying the feeling of brown locks between his fingers. It probably would’ve been a lot more romantic if he kept his mouth shut but this was Cass we’re talking about. Keeping his mouth shut would’ve been like cutting off his air. The next thing Cass was nuzzling Gareth’s cheek again, keeping him close and refusing to let go. It was one of those little touchy-feely moments which Gareth had of course experienced before but never with the tint of honesty that Cass was about to put into the mix. “Hey Garbear… please… throw me in front of a car if I ever make you cry again will ya? It scared me to see you like that.” He finished by again hiding his face on the crook of Gareth’s neck, not quite ready to show Garbear the one truthful serious face he was capable of making. “Will ya?” He repeated the question while tightening his grip around Gareth’s waist, hoping they wouldn’t become tired of just standing there and holding each other and wishing the scene could last all day and all night.

[gareth nash brace]

It seemed so long ago that Gareth had been rejecting every breath Cass took. After all, look where they were now. Hadn't they even had a conversation about this once, online? Not this moment exactly, because Gareth was pretty sure that no one could have predicted this, but kissing in general? Gareth was sure that he had said something about not wanting his first kiss to be with someone like Cass, and Cass had simply responded with the fact that he'd be sure to snag it. Well, it had involved a lot more yelling and smileys and general Cass things, but it looked like Gareth had been wrong again. Ciaran's win, but Gareth honestly couldn't care less right now. The photographer had a witty remark already building up in his mind, but he instantly forgot it when lips touched. Who needed coherent thoughts, anyway? Ten years of bottling everything up had formed habits, though, and those habits were the only things that were preventing Gareth from going farther than kissing here and now. But to tell the truth, the mere idea of going farther scared the living daylights out of him. Habits could be cruel to instincts sometimes.

Gareth had never really liked the nickname that Cass had given him, but his non stop requests to have Cass simply call him Gareth were never heard. He didn't mind it as much right now, but he would still prefer to be called by his given name. Of course, he didn't want to disappoint Cass... ”I guess so,” he mumbled, resting his head on Ciaran's shoulder. Sadly, he was short enough that he could manage it without bending over at all. In fact, it was more like his chest than his shoulder. A little degrading for tiny Gareth, but he could overlook it. Well, not literally... but enough with the short jokes. ”But even if you don't call me that, I'm still yours,” he continued, being honest for once. He didn't mind being labeled as a possession as long as it was his choice, though he guessed that Cass didn't really think of him that way, which was just another pro to add to the list that Gareth was currently keeping in his head. Surprisingly, there weren't many cons to the relationship so far. Gareth had thought that there would be a lot more, but it was going quite well so far. He hoped that it wouldn't change in the slightest.

”I'm sorry for scaring you,” he said quietly, avoiding the question. Would he throw Cass in front of a car? No, of course not. He couldn't stand hurting him like that, even if he was crying or upset when he did it. ”If... you want me to, I will. But I don't want to hurt you.” Gareth didn't want this moment to end, either. Even if his legs were getting tired, he was happy for once in his life. Not just tolerating it anymore, and definitely not sad. He could still feel every nerve ending in his body, but it still felt a bit like floating at the moment. Gareth wasn't going crazy; he could still feel his feet on the floor. It was more of a feeling in his chest, hard to describe in words. But still... ”Uhm... could we sit down? I walked all the way here... and we've been standing for a while.” And their houses were kind of far apart, after all.

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

The amount of ways in which this moment could be ruined was ridiculous. Cass could do and say a wide arrange of things that would have Gareth reaction in different ways, from being slightly mad at him to choosing to never talk to him ever again. The scenarios and the possibilities were already running around in Cass’ mind but like hell he was about to listen to his deranged inner child and ruin this moment. One of the most ridiculous ones would be to do a happy dance and point out that he was indeed the one who stole Gareth’s first kiss as the photographer had pointed out that Cass would never ever become the proud owner of that one. Well, he was now, and going against the gloating parade his mind wanted to throw he decided to keep the thought to himself and for once enjoy of something in silence.

Gareth’s reassuring words helped to widen the grin on Cass’ already smiley face. It wasn’t uncommon to see him in a happy state. Hell, he was even happy while being scolded at school and the only moments in which he actually frowned or got upset where when he was alone, with no one to praise him or with no one’s attention to catch which in turn made him muse die which in turned made him even more upset. Well this little scene just gave him enough muse for an entire year and he was pretty sure his professors would notice it. He was even thinking about what exactly he wanted to paint for that mural that would become his final project and yes, it would include Gareth. But anyway, the magic had to be broken somehow and Cass didn’t notice that his feet had been complaining about their position until Gareth pointed it out. “Oh right…” He mumbled before letting the cogs inside his head have their way and literally sweeping Gareth off his feet in quite a bridal style and walking deeper into the studio. Stopping in front of one of the two couches that rested on the living room area of the studio Cass turned around and flopped down, effectively bringing Garbear down with him and setting him on his lap. “I’m sorry, you’re just so carry~able that I couldn’t help it.” He smiled, thoroughly amused at just how short Gareth was in comparison and not even minding that he just created a word.

Keeping his arms around Gareth, it was Cass’ turn to rest his chin on his shoulder. What Cass was considering now was the wide door to Garbear’s world which just opened up to him and instead of doing something romantic and worth remembering for the rest of their lives the only thing Cass could think of was… “Hey Garbear… do you remember you said you’d say something in Welsh to me?” Seriously… of all the things he could do, he just went and asked for something so random and out of context. But then again, Cass was well known for having weird trains of thought and if he didn’t people would probably start wondering what the hell was wrong with him. “Say something nice to me.” He insisted, his tone pleading and playful like it always was whenever he was asking something from someone. His cat-like curiosity wasn’t exactly posed on Gareth speaking Welsh as much as it was placed in Gareth himself. It was one of those one of a lifetime moments in which Cass was actually interested in someone other than himself, and mind you that happened like once every five years…

[gareth nash brace]

When Gareth had asked to sit down, he had been planning on walking over to wherever Cass wanted him to sit, not being swept off his feet. He wasn't exactly afraid of heights or anything, but he simply didn't trust people. Not with his secrets, and certainly not with carrying him. He had kind of just trusted Cass with his heart, and in his terrified mind, that was enough for one night. So the whole time he was in Ciaran's arms, there was the constant fear that he was going to be dropped and hit his head on something sharp. He couldn't even trust his own feet with keeping him safe, so how could he trust his... what was Cass to him? Boyfriend? Probably, but he wasn't going to admit it until he had gotten used to the idea, and that was going to take a while. ”Cass!” he said, the word of protest coming out a little louder than he had meant it to. His arms were still around the taller boy's neck, but it was almost a choke hold now. He didn't want to be dropped, even though he knew that Cass would never do that on purpose.

He buried his face in Ciaran's chest, embarrassed by his current position in his arms. The last time he had been picked up, he has been four. So not once in sixteen years had he been lifted fully off his feet, and now that it was happening again, he felt oddly like a child. Except he was pretty sure that his parents had never picked him up like this, and that Cass would never treat him too much like an infant. So it was a completely new experience for him, and Gareth really didn't like new things. He liked routine, and when things went out of routine, he got upset. The only thing that prevented him from trying to get his feet back on the ground was that, well... it was Cass that was picking him up, and some part of his mind really liked that fact. Most of his mind was protesting, but there was that little bit that stopped him from crying again and jumping up and running out the door as soon as Cass settled him on his lap. He sighed softly, leaning into Ciaran. It was degrading to be on another person's lap, but he couldn't argue with how comfortable it was. ”I don't like it when you pick me up,” he mumbled, looking up at the painter's face. Well, no matter how much he disliked it, he couldn't stop a small smile from creeping onto his face. Cass was apparently contagious.

Had he ever promised to say something to Cass in Welsh? He remembered Cass asking him to, but never once had he uttered the words I promise. Well, Cass had a way of twisting Gareth's words around. He couldn't even say certain words around the fellow student anymore, for the fear of Ciaran's selective hearing making the guess that Gareth wanted to get in bed with him. What did he want to say to this guy, anyway? Gareth would have been happy sitting in silence and just taking in the happiness of the moment, but Cass always had to be talking, didn't he? The photographer didn't really mind, especially since he had already warned Cass once that his Welsh really wasn't that fluent. Well, it wouldn't hurt repeating things, would it? ”Dwi'n dy garu di.” he said quietly, snuggling up against the younger student. Gareth had already told Cass that he loved him, but he couldn't think of anything else that would be considered nice in Ciaran's mind. And he was so tired...

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

Being the cynical and annoying type Cass liked to make fun of people and mess with them in any possible way. Seeing lovey dovey couples was like cannon fodder for him and more often than not he ended up being enemies with at least a few of them. Some others knew how to take things as they were, jokes, and welcomed Cass’ comments on their relationships. His comments ranged from innocent jokes on how much of an odd pair they were to the less subtle and dangerously R rated stuff on their sex lives. Well now he probably figured a few of those comments would come back and bite his ass and seeing he kinda deserved it wouldn’t mind it that much. Plus, most of what people said about Cass slid off his skin as if he was made of steel. There wasn’t much they could say about them anyway… Cass saw Gareth as practically flawless which was probably a mistake but that’s how he saw things. But wait a second… he was jumping ahead now… the fact that Gareth just confessed his feelings and he confessed his own right back made them automatically a couple? He hadn’t seen enough chick flicks to know the answer for sure… maybe he’d ask the princess later, she ought to know all this stuff about relationships and shizz. Meanwhile, he’d enjoy the precious feeling on his chest and the comforting warmth from Garbear’s body on his lap. Speaking of which, Cass figured Gareth wouldn’t like to be picked up but then again, when did Cass stop doing stuff just because someone didn’t like it? The right answer to that one was never, and it was because he was friggin’ Cass. He’d probably learn to take Gareth’s wishes and thoughts in consideration though. Cass would never do anything that outright bothered or angered anyone else (unless he didn’t like them) and even if he sometimes reached unsuspecting limits he still did things with good intentions. Now he just had to find out which limits and which boundaries he shouldn’t cross with Garbear.

“I know.” He said plainly to Garbear’s declaration of dislike for his carrying cat. Both of their smiles indicated that Garbear hadn’t disliked it as much as he said he did and Cass wasn’t as sorry as he said he was. “Next time I’ll give you a piggy back ride then.” The alternative was of course a little joke, like the many ones that seemed to come out of Cass’ mouth on a regular basis. Cass hadn’t noticed how comfortable his couch was until now. He made a mental note to thank his mother for traveling all the way to France to pick up furniture for his studio. He usually only dropped dead on the bed and never really used the couch or the diner. He didn’t even use the several chairs his mother bought for him and instead used a worn out stool that he brought from London to sit and paint or draw. As for the bed uh… well… he certainly wouldn’t be using that tonight. Cass was the type to act before thinking and stuff like that but he had the impeding feeling that his normal course of action would only drive Gareth away and it took him so long to get under the photographer’s skin that he wasn’t about to ruin it, not tonight at least.

Cass’ eyes looked like an eager five year old’s as he waited for Gareth to say anything. He had never really heard anyone speak welsh before, and if they did Cass barely paid attention. It’s not like people in the center of London spoke the language on a regular basis. Plus, hearing it from someone he actually liked made it a thousand times more interesting. The language sounded so strange though. Wrinkling his nose in curiosity Cass searched for Gareth’s eyes with his own. “What does that mean?” The older male could’ve been insulting him for all he knew, but Gareth would never do that. “Oh! Let me guess. It means… ‘You are the most precious and perfect person I have set my eyes on and I was in love with you from the moment I saw you’.” It was obvious that was not what Gareth said, and it was pretty clear that the sentence had been more like what Cass wanted to say. He squeezed Garbear’s side tightly for a second or two before releasing the pressure and leaning down on the comfortable couch bringing the other with him so that they were now side by side, half tangled between each other. “Is that what you said?” His lips brushed against Gareth’s for a second before joining them again for another soft and gentle kiss. They certainly wouldn’t be moving to the bed tonight but Cass wasn’t about to let go of Gareth tonight, even if they had to spend the night on the couch. Cass had the feeling he wouldn’t be doing much sleeping though, not while there was all that Garbear to hug and cuddle against.

[gareth nash brace]

”A piggyback ride sounds even worse than being carried,” he said softly, the childish idea bringing color to his cheeks again. He would really have to work on the blushing; it always happened at the worst times, and it was embarrassing. Gareth looked away from Ciaran's face, not wanting him to see the sudden red that had flooded his face. It must have made him seem like a teenager; the fact that he was constantly getting embarrassed and falling silent. Well, he was always quiet, but this was a different kind of silence. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable either. Gareth really didn't know how to describe it, and the fact that he was tired and a little more than lightheaded in Cass' presence didn't help a bit. ”Couldn't we just keep my feet on the ground?” There was a hint of a plea in his voice when he asked it, but it wasn't very noticeable. Feet were meant to be on the ground, and Gareth liked keeping them there. He wasn't going to throw a fit if Cass went against his wishes, but it didn't make him very happy. To tell the truth, he didn't have many limits as long as Cass didn't go too fast with the relationship. No, they definitely wouldn't be using the bed tonight, and Gareth wasn't really planning it use it before next year. Even then, the thought sent a tiny stab of fear into his stomach. Gareth wasn't ready for anything like that, but it was really the only boundary.

By the time Cass asked him to say something in Welsh, he was already looking at the younger boy again, and not with the blank or annoyed stare that he had been giving him until earlier tonight. No, at the moment, Gareth's expression could rival Ciaran's in adoration, but it was more subtle. He still needed time to get used to showing what he was feeling; lots of time. The feelings were most certainly there, though. They may not have shown in the way he was acting or what he was saying, but even the simple fact that Gareth was letting Cass touch him was a hint. Would have he allowed himself to be seated on Ciaran's lap before this? No, absolutely not. He knew that Cass knew that, and for now, he didn't need to show many of his feelings for Cass to know how he felt. It was obvious in other ways, and if the painter couldn't pick up on that, Gareth was going to be severely disappointed with him.

”No, it doesn't mean that,” Gareth had to stop himself from bursting into laughter, though a few chuckles slipped out. Of course Cass wanted him to say that, he was Cass, after all. That should have been predictable, but it wasn't. This relationship was going to take a lot of getting used to, but Gareth was pretty sure they could manage it. Somehow, they'd keep it from falling apart... probably. Hopefully? Well, thoughts like that were bad to have at a moment like this, so he banished them from his head completely, focusing on the person in front of him. Er, and underneath him, but that wasn't the point here. ”I said that I loved you... but you knew that already.” His smile got a bit wider at the simple words; they weren't even hard to say anymore. And then they were kissing again, and Gareth didn't care what his words had meant. ”You need to stop doing that,” he mumbled when it was over, a small pout settling on his features. ”It makes me stop caring about the world, and that's never a good thing.” Cass didn't count as part of the world in general anymore; for tonight, even if they weren't going to use the bed, Gareth and Cass were a part of their own little world, and even if Cass stopped kissing him, Gareth still wouldn't care the least bit about the world right outside the door.

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

Oh Anouk was going to have a blast with the news. Cass was already itching to tell her about how Gareth had confessed his feelings and just how stupidly happy it made him feel. Without even noticing it, the fellow painter had turned into some sort of best female friend in the weirdest of ways. Of course Cass was still a little upset at the ‘I love you Alex’ thing she pulled while bleeding out but after things had calmed down he realized it wasn’t because he loved Anouk and her loving someone else was upsetting; the reason for his mood had been because admitting that someone liked someone else better than him was simply unacceptable for his ego. Well in the end Anouk was happy and slowly but surely Cass got over it and turned his attention to someone who actually sparked a real interest in his heart. Yes, Cass had a heart in case you were wondering.

To be honest Cass was still mildly surprised at the fact that Gareth had confessed just like that. He liked to bug the older student precisely because he was stoic and always in control. Seeing him shed tears had been distressing hence his immediate reaction. He was still wondering just what in the world made Gareth take that huge leap and say anything about anything. He wanted to ask, but the moment would be ruined and as curious as Cass could get, he preferred to keep his doubts for now… or at least until later when Gareth decided it had been enough cuddling for a day.

Speaking of cuddles, Cass was pretty sure he wouldn’t get tired of this for at least a week of nonstop contact, or maybe more. Well they would have to eat or go to the bathroom at some point so he might as well make the best out of it. His arms were still firmly wrapped around Gareth’s in a very snake-like way. Even his leg was intertwined with Gareth’s despite the fact that he was a few inches too tall to fit in the couch’s length. Their faces were so close that if Cass wanted he could just stretch his neck and kiss Gareth again but stopped from doing so with Gareth’s last statement. The very well known pleased/sneaky/cass~ish smile made its appearance. Such a smile wasn’t very welcome among most people as it was a clear indicator that Cass was about to be an annoying dick. This wasn’t the case though, so far he had gone to every end in order to get Gareth’s attention and he was getting it now, being an annoying dick would’ve been out of place. The smile was more like a reflex now, a little quirk that surfaced whenever he was getting someone’s attention, something he actually strived to achieve on a regular basis. The fact that Garbear had given him such recognition was definitely a bonus.

“Oh really now?” the question was also too common for Cass to ask, even if he never really expected any type of answer. “How come?” The pleased smile was accompanied by a cute tilt of his head, as if he didn’t know the answer already. “Not caring about the world is good from time to time. You should try it, and well if I can help with that…” the sentence was ended by a small and almost teasing peck to Gareth’s lips. “…I wouldn’t mind it at all.” The next kiss wasn’t as small as the last one, it was loving and longing, a type of kiss Cass wasn’t used to give. Letting his lips linger on Gareth’s he mouthed the words ‘I love you’ before pulling back and staring intently at Garbear’s eyes with his blue ones. “Are you staying with me tonight? I don’t wanna move.” He asked in a pleading way while burying his face on Gareth’s neck. For once Cass thought of someone else by asking that question. He normally would’ve assumed that Gareth was staying, and even if he did thought of just not letting the other go, the more intelligent side of his brain forced him to ask the question, just so he wouldn’t act like a dick as he always did. Plus, what if Gareth wanted to leave… it would leave Cass a little bit sad and cold but if that’s what he wanted…

[gareth nash brace]

It wasn’t like Gareth had any experience with this. No, in fact, his first kiss had been with Cass, and that had just been earlier tonight. And then, what? There had been five or so more? No matter how nice it felt to be tangled in Ciaran’s arms, the part of Gareth that despised this kind of thing hadn’t even started fading, and to tell the truth, that part was a whole lot bigger than the part that loved Cass touching him. So Cass probably didn’t really know why it made him stop caring about the world, and Gareth saw no reason to pop the bubble. Of course, in a situation like this, reasons weren’t really the first thing on his mind. He was being open for once, and the answer kind of came spilling out, even if it might hurt Cass. ”Because I love it and it scares me at the same time,” Well, it was an honest answer, wasn’t it? If Cass had wanted him to lie, he should have said so, but Gareth still felt bad. Which, of course, caused the usual ”Sorry,” to tumble out.

It was hard for Gareth to find time to speak between what Cass was saying and kisses, which was a tad bit unnerving for him, but okay at the same time. Why would Gareth need to speak, anyway? Cass was always the one that had done all the talking, wasn’t he? Of course, a few days ago, the only things Gareth had ever said were rejections, just to set Cass straight on the fact that Gareth hadn’t felt anything for him. Now there wasn’t anything to set Cass straight on, but he still felt the need to talk to him. Habit, maybe? It was tricky, but he managed to slip in a question. ”How is lack of caring good?” he asked quietly. Gareth wasn’t the type to ask pointless questions, and he actually expected Cass to answer it. The world was what everyone lived on, after all, so it was kind of essential to care about it. Especially when most of the people he knew were going to pounce on him for getting together with someone like Cass… Yes, it was important to care about the world when said world was going to have a lot of questions for Gareth when he managed to pull himself away from Cass and get to school. If he managed it, rather.

Of course, Ciaran’s next question was on that topic exactly. Was Gareth going to stay with him tonight? It was a question that had a lot of meanings, and Gareth really didn’t know Cass well enough to guess at which one he meant by it. Did Cass expect Gareth to sleep with him? Because that wasn’t going to happen, and he was pretty sure that he had shown enough of his relationship-paranoid side for Cass to know that he wasn’t going to get Gareth in bed any time soon. But who knew with this guy? ”I… don’t know. I mean, I’m not used to this.” He wasn’t going to commit himself to anything until he was sure what Cass meant, and even if he just wanted them to stay on the couch for the whole night, Gareth wasn’t sure that he was ready for that either. If kissing made him uncomfortable, what would falling asleep in Ciaran’s arms do to him? Probably nothing good. ”I don’t really think I’d be comfortable with staying.” The basic part of him that liked being touched really wanted to stay with this guy for the whole night, even if he expected them to move to the bed, but fear was also a basic part of people, and Gareth’s pathetic little fears involved relationships. They always had, and he didn’t expect that to stop. Yes, he loved Cass, but his heart still sank in his chest a bit when he thought of doing anything. Which was why he started untangling himself from Cass’ arms, planting a clumsy kiss on Ciaran’s cheek before sitting up. Should he feel bad that instant relief flooded through him when he broke contact with the guy? Probably.

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

Cass was going way beyond his comfort zone here. Despite popular belief, Cass did have things that made him feel uncomfortable or upset, the fact that he hid them with a mocking grin didn’t mean they weren’t there. Cass was used to jump from person to person, never staying still and never really forming any type of relationship. Hell, the closest thing he had to a relationship had been with anouk so that should speak of how messed up his relationship status was. He was willing to try though, he was willing to go to any extreme just to be with Gareth because he really, really happened to like him. Being in a relationship was as new to Gareth as it was to Cass, and as such he understood that his normal ways of treating things (relentlessly pressing buttons and demanding reactions from people) wouldn’t work out. He was taking it slowly, or as slowly as Cass could take things. He didn’t know if all relationships were like this, with someone pushing and the other pulling, but he figured it wouldn’t be easy and he was prepared for that.

Hearing Gareth’s apology and his clear discomfort was slightly upsetting for Cass, but didn’t say anything otherwise. He guessed it was easier for him to accept things than it was for Gareth so he merely unwrapped his arms from around Garebear and gave the other some space. The question he asked made Cass tilt his head in curiosity. His thoughts and philosophy were never really questioned, which was a thing he actually liked from Garbear. “I said from time to time. Not caring all the time is impossible. And it’s good because it takes a weight off your shoulders.” He offered the simple explanation, not really expecting Gareth to take it or to accept it as the photographer had the tendency to reject everything Cass said.

The refusal that came from Gareth afterwards wasn’t exactly as unexpected as Cass would like to say it was. Everything about Cass seemed to bother Gareth one way or the other, or at least that’s the impression he got which is why Gareth’s love declaration came in as such a surprise. Letting the other sit up Cass didn’t make any attempt to pull him back down like he normally would do if the situation were different. Sitting up with Gareth he returned he kiss to Gareth’s cheek, perhaps in a less clumsy way and stood up. “It’s ok. I don’t mind.” Cass had the feeling that he would be saying that a lot in this relationship. ‘it’s ok, I don’t mind’. He said it a lot at home as well… and it was true, he didn’t mind… much. Walking to the door he grabbed his own coat and put it on. “C’mon, I’ll walk you home. It’s late.” He said and opened the door for Gareth to walk out.

This had been one strange night, but cass didn’t mind a little bit of ‘strange’ in his life, especially if it involved Gareth. There were a lot of things to sort out and Cass knew he’d have to be awfully and painfully patient for this to work. Well… he could be if he tried, just like he could be a good boy and behave, and just like he could be a good person if he really wanted to. He wanted to, and he would fight to make things work out.


NOTES: annnd we're finishing this one here, right?