the dark days ain't done | cass

[gareth nash brace]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; border-left: 20px solid #7a9aa9; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 20px;] Senseless Denial, We spun like birds on fire right down towards the residence and i I took all that I desired even crooks have to pay the rent We swam like rats on fire right, right down the reservoir We took all that we could carry but we tried to carry more Death was the next step in life. A part of life, inevitable, and there was always something good after it for those who had done good things in their lives. Well, Gareth Brace didn't believe a word of that bullshit. Death was just a horrible thing, and like almost everything, it made him cry. He wasn't sobbing, though. Quite the contrary; the photographer was sprawled on his bed, limbs spread out in an almost unnatural position, as if he'd just fallen on the soft surface and hadn't bothered to arrange into a more comfortable position. He hadn't fainted, but it was close enough. His cheeks were damp and getting more so every second, and though his breathing was slow to the point of near sleep, it hitched every once in a while in his throat. If anyone had asked him what happened, he couldn't have told them. Well, maybe he could have, but he wouldn't. Except for the one person that he would always talk to, and she was the cause of all of this. Fuck the 'death is a good thing' theory, Sasha was gone, and nothing was going to change the fact that Gareth was more upset than he'd been in his entire life so far. She'd been his buoy for longer than he could remember. When they'd both been visiting family in Orlando, she'd been there to provide a place to hide when Oliver got to be too much. She'd been a constant supply of the little self esteem that he'd had for the past ten years, and she was dead. Some sort of group had attacked the school, she'd been out in the halls, and now she was gone. Actually, he hadn't been aware of that fact until just recently. Sure, she hadn't been answering his calls for a few days, but the letter from the school explaining what had happened hadn't arrived in his mailbox until just this morning. He hadn't bothered to read the letter until just an hour ago, and now the thick sheet of paper was clutched in his hand, the ink spelling out Sasha's name slightly smudged from Gareth trying to rub it off the paper so many times. This couldn't be real, right? She couldn't be gone. Sasha was like a force of nature in Gareth's world; it was like trying to explain to a child that air didn't exist anymore. It just wasn't possible, and he couldn't accept it. Yet at the same time, the proof was in his hand. Why would such a prestigious school lie about who had died? The list was quite short, but Sasha was on it, and Gareth's brain just couldn't accept that fact as the truth. So he'd been laying on his bed for at least half an hour, staring at the ceiling. He was thinking, but everything that crossed his mind was hazy and hard to understand, even for the thinker himself. Eventually, he rolled over onto his side, sighing and staring at the wall instead of the ceiling. Chelsea was out of the house, doing whatever she did when she left. Gareth had never really cared enough to check where she went when she left, as long as his kid sister kept her grades high. Maybe he should have cared more, maybe he should have asked. Who could say that she wouldn't die too? That thought made him panic, though. Gareth jolted up, leaving the paper on his bed as he headed into the kitchen. He had to pause again to lean against the counter and cry for a few more moments, but he regained his composure soon enough, wiping his eyes and wrapping his blanket around him a bit more tightly. It didn't take him long for him to find his phone, snatching it off the kitchen counter where he'd left it the previous night, after another session of texting Cass. He couldn't talk to Chelsea about anything, and he couldn't cry on her shoulder. He could talk to Sasha and cry at the same time, but she was gone, and he needed to have someone else know that. Someone that actually cared, so he wasn't going to go to a therapist or anything. His boyfriend would work for this purpose. He wasn't about to spill his feelings or anything, but Cass should be used to that by now. Gareth never really told him anything, always denied that anything was wrong and said that he was just fine. Now, it was kind of obvious that something was wrong with him, but whatever. He could break habits for a few hours, or at least cry on Cass's shoulder without telling him why. That's why when he sent the text, it was quite vague, only three words long. It would be enough to get Cass to come over, and until he did, there was nothing that Gareth could do other than curl up on the couch and wait.

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN OF CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY MODEST MOUSE[/center]

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/29or3i8jpg.png); border-left: #d75d49 solid 30px; border-right: #b79ea0 solid 30px; width: 457px; padding-top: 30; padding-bottom: 30;] all i needed, all of your love was all that i needed “Mum… I’m ok. No mum… no mum… MOTHER, CHILL, my name is not on that list ok? You’re not somehow talking to a walking spirit and i didn’t tunto a sentient zombie just to lie to you on the phone and tell you I’m ok! GAHD, tell dad I miss him, and tell my brother he can go to hell… ok fine I miss him too whatever… no mum… I swear if you ask if I’m ok again I’m hanging up…” Cass rolled his eyes and slammed the phone against the night table where it would probably rest, broken, until he decided it was pertinent to fix it. Word of the school being attacked had reached far and fast as Cass found out. For the past few days he had been assaulted with calls from every single member of his family, asking if he was ok. His mother had been particularly insistent; calling him thrice a day to make sure whoever attacked the school wasn’t targeting him and returned to finish their job. Every time she did so he felt the urge to scratch the bandages that covered the slight burn marks the incident had left in his arms. It wasn’t that bad, he just needed to keep them bandaged and it’d be alright in a week or two but Cass figured if he mentioned anything to his mother she’d have him shipped back to London within the hour. The incident had probably shaken Cass a lot more than he allowed to be shown. I mean… the school had been attacked. People would have to be either robots like Heloise or pretty messed up to not be affected by something like that, especially for people like Cass who were idiotically caught wandering in the hallways and were somehow injured. Speaking of injuries, Cass knew there had been some casualties. Well… they called it ‘casualties’ when they gathered everyone in the auditorium and tried to explain what had happened. The first thing Cass did was spot his important people. Gareth, Aerona and Anouk, they were all there so the rest could really go ignored, right? No… it wasn’t that easy. People he had probably flirted with or messed with or maybe even joked with were gone but he refused to read the letter containing the names. It rested there, sealed as it came from the mail among the rest of the stuff Cass would probably never read. It was better that way, right? Well, who knew if it was better but it was the way Cass wanted to deal with things for now. After giving the phone a series of dirty looks Cass settled on the bed; his arms resting behind his neck and his eyes fixed on the glass that covered his walls and part of the ceiling forming some sort of greenhouse. It was quiet, painfully so but Cass’ drive to get up and put some music was in negative numbers. The only thing that brought him out of his slight trance was the sound of that song, ‘hellogoodbye’ that he had set as Gareth’s ringtone. Stretching an arm to reach for the mobile he pushed the button and read the message. His eyebrows twisted in a funny fashion, Gareth was never this weird with messages… ok he was a little weird but he usually left more than three words. Picturing it was something important, seeing Gareth used the word need, he typed a single worded reply and rolled off the bed, setting off for his boyfriend’s place. The way to Gareth’s apartment was imprinted in his memory by now. He would be able to walk all the way with his eyes closed, if he didn’t have to cross a couple menacing car-filled streets. Once in front of the door he knocked softly before pulling out his own key and opening the door. Peeking inside as he usually did, he looked around before announcing his presence again. “Garbear?” He asked aloud and was about to repeat the question when he spotted him curled up on the couch. “Garbear?” He asked with different intonation, a little bit of concern in his voice. “What's wrong?” he asked as the door behind him closed and he approached his boyfriend on the couch, sitting next to him and tilting his head as if trying to read what was wrong in his face. There was obviously something wrong with him, but Cass had the feeling Gareth wasn’t in the mood to share. He never was in the mood to share actually, which drove Cass nuts. He wanted to know what was wrong with Gareth whenever he got that look in his face but he was welcomed with a simple ‘nothing’ on a regular basis. This wasn’t nothing though, and Cass didn’t want to pretend it was. 700+ WORDS, FOR GAR, D8

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THIS TEMPLATE WAS MADE BY WILMETTA OF CAUTION.

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[gareth nash brace]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; border-left: 20px solid #7a9aa9; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 20px;] Senseless Denial, We spun like birds on fire right down towards the residence and i I took all that I desired even crooks have to pay the rent We swam like rats on fire right, right down the reservoir We took all that we could carry but we tried to carry more How did people normally deal with the deaths of loved ones? Admittedly, Sasha hadn't been part of his family, and they certainly weren't dating or anything, but she was still important to him. Maybe they weren't blood related, but she still felt like a sister sometimes. Other times, it was just awkward, like most relationships with Gareth were.. Sasha was special, though. He didn't miss her, not yet, as the information that she was gone was taking time to set in, but this was just going to get worse. He'd stopped crying a while after he'd settled on the couch, and was now just kind of staring into space. The television was on too, though it was muted and he couldn't bring himself to focus on whatever was playing across the screen. Probably a romantic comedy or something. They had a whole channel dedicated to that, which Gareth found pretty stupid. He always ended up watching it when Chelsea was around and he didn't have anything else to do, though. Gar would have watched it now to distract himself, but he just couldn't keep his eyes on the people wandering around the screen, and the settings just looked like blotches of color to him. So he continued staring at nothing in particular, at least until Cass came. Why was it that even when he was upset, Cass still glowed? Not literally, but he was just.. eye catching. Gareth could focus on his boyfriend more easily than he could focus on the television, but even so, his gaze still drifted away after a few seconds. Well, at least Sasha dying hadn't made him asexual or anything. That much was obvious. Sasha had always been his rock, and he'd gone crying to her when something had happened with Cass, but Cass was his second rock. If he hadn't lacked so much energy, Gareth probably would have jumped up and wrapped himself around Cass as soon as he opened the door. As it was, crying for so long had left him dehydrated and tired; that and a small headache prevented him from running to his boyfriend, but he did lean against him as soon as he sat down. He felt like a doll every time that he and Cass were in the same room; there was such a huge difference in height between them. The top of Gareth's head - not including his hair when he had been too lazy to smooth it down – only reached his boyfriend's shoulder. When Gareth had been a teenager, he'd still had hopes of getting taller. By now he'd given up, resigned to being short for the rest of his life. ”I'm fine,” he said softly, rubbing his cheek against Cass's shoulder. By now, it was just a reflex to say that. Even now, when he obviously wasn't fine, it was the first thing that came out of his mouth when anyone asked if he was okay or what was wrong. He bit his lip nervously when he'd realized what he said, though. No, he wasn't physically hurt, but emotionally? Gareth's emotions were nearly always in bad shape, since he'd never really had a chance to level them out when he was younger, but this was so much worse. That would have been obvious even to people that didn't know how often he got upset. ”No, I'm sorry,” he said hastily, trying to correct himself. If he hadn't already spent all of his tears, he would have been crying again. But he didn't have anything left to cry. ”I just...” Okay, so he'd lied. It was still possible for him to cry, but in dry, racking sobs that shook his whole body. Gareth was clinging to Cass's arm now, like it was a life preserver or something. ”Sasha's gone. They killed her. She's dead.” Yeah, he was starting to miss her now. How could something that was all in his mind physically hurt so damned badly?

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN OF CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY MODEST MOUSE[/center]

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/29or3i8jpg.png); border-left: #d75d49 solid 30px; border-right: #b79ea0 solid 30px; width: 457px; padding-top: 30; padding-bottom: 30;] all i needed, all of your love was all that i needed ‘I’m fine’. Cass wanted to scream and kill kittens whenever Gareth said those two words. It was obvious he wasn’t fine, every time he said he was fine it was like a bitchslap to Cass, some cosmic force telling him that Gareth still didn’t trust him enough to say that he was not alright. They were working on it though. Cass felt that he didn’t have to make a scene and end up angry with Gareth every time it happened like at the beginning of their relationship, now he just had to push a little bit further in order to get a truthful answer from his boyfriend but it was still something Cass felt he shouldn’t have to do. Well progress was progress, right? And all he had to do was take some anger management lessons to keep those kittens safe from his wrath. This was different though, Gareth didn’t look like he was hiding his ‘not feeling well’ status and Cass did feel the reply came out as more of a reflex than anything else. Tilting his head he wrapped his arm around Gareth and pulled him closer, practically placing his smaller body on top of his lap all while unconsciously sporting a very concerned look. At least he didn’t have to push Gareth for a confession of what was troubling him and Cass could certainly say that it wasn’t his fault, otherwise he would be calling Sasha and not Gareth, but speaking of the devil… Gareth wasn’t the only one who didn’t know how to deal with something like that. It was a different situation for Cass though. He hadn’t been close to Sasha, if anything, he chose to ignore the girl after the gossip got his particularly pissed off but he was aware of how important she was to Gareth. It would be like… if Cass lost Anouk, or Aerona and while he was close to losing Anouk he knew the fear he felt at that time couldn’t compare with the sadness he would’ve felt if she had actually died. So how did people deal with this? He couldn’t say ‘it’s alright’ because it wasn’t. He couldn’t say ‘she’s in a better place’ because he didn’t believe in that shit. He couldn’t say ‘she wouldn’t have wanted you to feel like this’ because he honestly had no idea what Sasha would’ve wanted. So what could he say, or do? Not even an ‘I’m sorry’ would do, because while Cass was sorry Gareth had to go through this he knew that hearing it wouldn’t make things better. So instead he sat there with his arms wrapped around Gareth and letting him cry those dry sobs that were breaking Cass’ heart. Ugh, why did he suck so bad at being supportive? There was probably a manual somewhere on what to do but right now Cass was in blank. He felt guilty for not trying to approach Sasha before. She was Gareth’s friend after all, he could’ve tried to get to know her a little bit more and find out what the hell Gareth found so interesting about her. He was being selfish again though, thinking about himself and he could’ve done and didn’t do. This was supposed to be about Gareth and about what Cass could do to make him feel better… if there was something he could do. Sighing at his own incompetence, all Cass could think of was rest his forehead against Gareth’s head and let him sob and mourn. “I’m here for you.” He blurted out without thinking much while gently tightening his grip around Gareth. Why did this type of stuff happen to people who were already broken to begin with? It just wasn’t fair. 620 WORDS, FOR GAR, CASS DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO D8

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THIS TEMPLATE WAS MADE BY WILMETTA OF CAUTION.

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[gareth nash brace]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; border-left: 20px solid #7a9aa9; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 20px;] Senseless Denial, We spun like birds on fire right down towards the residence and i I took all that I desired even crooks have to pay the rent We swam like rats on fire right, right down the reservoir We took all that we could carry but we tried to carry more Gareth just wasn't experienced in things like this, how could he be? Sasha and Cass were the only people that he had ever really loved, and now one of them was just.. gone. She wasn't around anymore to tell him that it was alright, and that it was all going to turn out okay in the end. This had never happened to him before, and he lived under a big enough rock that nothing in the media or a friend's experience had told him what to do when something like this jumped in front of him. Maybe if she had died of natural causes or something, it would have been easier for him to accept, but his best friend had been murdered. Well, he wasn't exactly sure how to define murder, but whether she had been shot or caught in one of the traps around the school, she had still been killed by something that most definitely couldn't be considered natural, and Gareth didn't know how to accept that. What had his friend ever done to deserve it? Nothing, that was what. In Gareth's mind, Sasha had been perfect, and it just didn't seem right for someone like that to be killed in such a violent way. Who decided things like that, anyway? The randomness factor? God? Karma? Whoever or whatever it was, Gareth couldn't figure it out. ”I know,” he said shakily when Cass declared that he was here for Gareth. Hadn't that been why Gareth had texted him? He'd needed someone that he could talk to, and since Chelsea hadn't been much help with his problems with Cass, Gareth doubted that she'd be much help with Sasha being dead either. In fact, she'd probably be even less help than Cass was, which was really saying something. She was so young, four years younger than Gareth; how could she be expected to deal with this? If he could have, Gareth would have avoided telling her, but Sasha was always coming over and visiting and calling and.. it would be hard for Chelsea not to notice her sudden absence. Dammit, she was dead. Gareth was never going to see her again. He had to accept that and get over it, but how could he? The least he could do was get himself to stop sobbing before Chelsea got home and he'd have to tell her too. For now, being so close to Cass was good enough. Gareth had been broken for who knows how long, and Sasha had fixed him for a while. He hadn't been happy, though, not until Cass had entered his life. Cass made his life brighter, but Sasha had been the basis for his life in the first place. It was like ripping out a tree's roots to take her away. Trees couldn't live for long without their roots. What if Cass had died? Gareth would have gone running to Sasha, of course, and she would probably know just what to say. Didn't she always? For the ten years that he'd known her, Sasha had never failed to say the right thing when Gareth was feeling horrible. Maybe the words had come out awkwardly, but he'd been able to relate to that and embrace it. Even when she hadn't really known what to say, it was just the vibes that she was sending out that helped him. Their relationship had been stable, and just being in her presence made him calm down most of the time. Having it ripped away from him so suddenly was just.. there weren't any words to describe it. Cass couldn't do any of that for him. He did other things that Sasha could never do for Gareth, but if Gareth had even been forced to choose between Sasha and Cass, it was obvious who he would have chosen. He'd never tell Cass that, though. No, even if he was aiming to hurt his boyfriend – which he's never do – that was just aiming too low. It was frustrating, though. The person he'd loved more was gone, and though he adored Cass with all of his heart, his boyfriend just wasn't helping with the little pit of depression that Gareth was slipping into. ”But I thought you would know what to do,” he said in a muffled voice, his face buried in Cass's neck and his damp hair clinging to his cheek. ”That's why I called you! You were supposed to help, not just to be here for me!” He was crying again, one hand in his lap and the other gripping the collar of Cass's shirt. He didn't know where this sudden burst of anger was coming from, but why did it really matter? Obviously, his emotions weren't at their most stable. Nowhere near it. In fact, he was dangerously off balance at the moment, which was probably why he said what he said next. ”Sasha always knew what to say!” he hissed, the angry effect ruined by more tears and sobbing. Still, though, even if it had come out in a pathetic voice, that was just too close to what he had been thinking earlier. He hadn't really been trying to hurt Cass, though. Even if it turned out that way, the sentence had just kind of slipped out.

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN OF CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY MODEST MOUSE[/center]

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/29or3i8jpg.png); border-left: #d75d49 solid 30px; border-right: #b79ea0 solid 30px; width: 457px; padding-top: 30; padding-bottom: 30;] all i needed, all of your love was all that i needed This was beyond uncomfortable. Not once since he started following Gareth like the plague he thought he’d feel uncomfortable when holding him close but this felt awfully like it. He had never even been to a funeral before, he didn’t know how to feel sorry for people because a) he was highly self centered and b) he hadn’t had the chance to feel sorry for anyone he cared up until now. For the first time in his life Cass knew he couldn’t talk his way out of this because simply there was no way out. He was supposed to be here, be a good boyfriend and do what good boyfriends did. What was that again? Oh right, no magical lamp to show him the answers. Cass flinched a little when Gareth spoke the second time. The tight grip that kept Gareth against his chest lightened considerably and one of his hands even fell to the side. “Well I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” He said with the faintest and slightest tint of anger in his voice. It wouldn’t even be noticeable if you didn’t pay attention but it was there. Why did Gareth have to say that? And more importantly, why was Cass behaving as if Gareth had said or done something wrong? Deep inside Cass knew that Gareth was beyond upset, he was broken, he was feeling miserable and Cass wasn’t helping to fix it at all but other layers of Cass’ mind, the ones who were filled with egotism, couldn’t help but feel a little defensive at that statement. It didn’t matter though, because what followed up managed to bring Cass’ morale down to a dark bottomless pit. “I’m sorry I’m not Sasha.” The ghost of chagrin in his voice was gone and replaced by complete disappointment and more importantly, an impending urge to just leave that place. He had to figure this is how Gareth felt whenever he made him feel uncomfortable and the other just wanted to… well leave. It certainly wasn’t a pleasant feeling and Cass made an almost invisible side note to never make Gareth feel like this again in the future… if there was a future after this. He suddenly felt very squirmish, as if there was a very unnatural urge to fidget around, stand up and do something else with his hands other than keep Gareth close. He managed to squeal away from the closeness. His breathing was slightly off rhythm as he stood up and stepped away from the couch, looking between the floor and the door as if they would magically show him the solution to everything. “I-I…” He stuttered, mentally chastising himself for doing so before finally setting his eyes on the floor. “I’m not Sasha ok? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, and whatever I say or do is obviously not going to make you feel any better. So I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry I’m not a good boyfriend and I’m sorry I can’t help you with this. I’m just… sorry.” He blurted out, half babbling and half not knowing what he just said. Few times in his life he had felt so hurt. Deep in his head Cass figured that Gareth wouldn’t be so upset if the tables were turned and it were him the one who was gone. He probably would’ve run to Sasha and of course, she would’ve known what to do. Fidgeting again Cass shifted his eyes one more time staring at the door as if it would be the solution to his problems. “I should probably leave…” He mumbled, fully aware that his’ was a cowardly and selfish way to deal with things but in the end, Cass WAS cowardly and selfish and everyone knew that about him. 700+ WORDS, FOR GAR, D8

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THIS TEMPLATE WAS MADE BY WILMETTA OF CAUTION.

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[gareth nash brace]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; border-left: 20px solid #7a9aa9; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 20px;] Senseless Denial, We spun like birds on fire right down towards the residence and i I took all that I desired even crooks have to pay the rent We swam like rats on fire right, right down the reservoir We took all that we could carry but we tried to carry more There was probably some part of Gareth that knew how unhealthy this relationship was turning out to be, but it was buried deep inside of him, beneath all the need to take care of Cass and to feel needed. Relying on Cass to help him felt bad enough for the guy that was emotionally required to help people, but Cass not being able to help when Gareth let him help for once just felt a bit like a punch in the gut. Gareth never accepted help from anyone, least of all Cass; was that what made him so broken? He'd told Simeon about it, and the asshole had just proclaimed that their relationship was as dysfunctional as it could possibly be. Gareth hadn't been able to accept that, though. In his mind, his relationship with Cass was fine, even if they fought a lot. And when he'd heard that Sasha had died, of course Cass was the one that he went running to, it just made the most sense. He'd actually opened himself up for once and accepted help from the person that he never accepted help from.. and now Cass just couldn't help him. Yeah, that was a pretty painful punch in the gut for him. Then again, this wasn't a very easy thing to help with. Once Gareth's little burst of anger had faded away, that was pretty easy to see, but it looked like he'd already managed to upset his boyfriend. ”Cass,” he mumbled, on the verge of crying again. ”Please don't say that..” Cass couldn't be sorry, it was just upsetting the whole balance of the relationship... at least, that was how Gareth saw it. It was always Gareth that messed up and had to say sorry, once they'd gotten past the few weeks where Cass had to censor practically everything he said. They'd been doing well for once, hadn't they? It had been a happy relationship, and then the whole attack thing had happened and.. God, what where they supposed to do now? Gareth honestly had no idea, but his primary concern at the moment was making sure that Cass wasn't mad at him. He had every reason to be, and Gareth knew that, but he still couldn't stand the idea of Cass being upset with him. ”I'm sorry, okay? I love you. You don't have to be Sasha. You're an amazing boyfriend just the way you are.” Gareth was close to begging now, and he was crying again, though it was more quietly than when he had first started. Cass knew that Gareth loved him, right? That he'd do anything to keep him around? ”You know that, right?” he whispered, looking up at Cass. He was still on the couch; in fact, he had barely moved since Cass had stood up. ”Please don't be sorry about anything,” he said again. Gareth was aware that he was just repeating himself, but Cass really had nothing to be sorry about, right? It was Gareth who had messed up.. If there was one thing he knew, though, it was that he couldn't bear to be alone right now. He'd break down, cry, maybe even try hurting himself if he was left alone for too long. Cass couldn't leave, which was why by pure impulse, Gareth practically jumped off the couch and wrapped his arms around Cass's neck. ”Please don't leave,” he cried, shaking. No, Cass couldn't leave. Gareth wouldn't be able to deal with it.

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN OF CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY MODEST MOUSE[/center]

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/29or3i8jpg.png); border-left: #d75d49 solid 30px; border-right: #b79ea0 solid 30px; width: 457px; padding-top: 30; padding-bottom: 30;] all i needed, all of your love was all that i needed This was too much, why they couldn’t have one of those normal lives like say, normal people. Perhaps Gareth had a conscious part that was aware of their messed up relationship, but Cass didn’t notice up until very recently. They fought constantly; it was almost a monthly thing. Every time Gareth ended up saying he’d try not to hide things from Cass and every time Cass ended up saying he would try to not get angry so easily but here they were again. Sure, this time it was different and they weren’t having problems for the same reasons as before but problems were problems, and Cass was finally noticing how the two of them must look to other people. The songs lied, love wasn’t all you needed. Who was stupid enough to think of that anyway? Love didn’t fix problems like a magical wand and this was enough proof of it. Cass loved Gareth, he loved him more than he had loved anyone in his life and still he couldn’t make things work out. Gareth was broken, he was broken, and by definition two parts didn’t necessarily make a whole. And still, Cass continued standing there after saying he should leave, not finding the drive to actually do so. It became even harder to leave when Gareth started talking. It seemed like a painful apologizing fest and Cass just wasn’t sure whose blame it really was. His, for not knowing how to help Gareth? Or Gareth’s for saying what he said? Cass was never a caring person and bringing himself to actually accept someone else in his life the way he brought Gareth in had been a big step. Since then he felt as they had taken strides in their relationship instead of walking like normal people would do… and careless jumping around always brought about some tripping, right? Cass just didn’t know how to deal with a relationship but at the same time he wasn’t willing to back off for the simple fact that he didn’t want to remove Gareth from his life. All the frustration piled up and finally bursted out when Gareth wrapped his arms around his neck. Almost automatically he wrapped his own around his waist and leaned down enough to hide his face in his neck. By now Gareth wasn’t the only one crying. Cass’ shoulders shook with constant rhythm as every sob left his chest. He hadn’t noticed he was crying up until he tightened the grip around Gareth and felt his own chest gasping for air due to the constant whimpers. “But I don’t know what to do!” He exclaimed, again sounding more like a child than a nineteen year old guy. The statement wasn’t only referred at the whole Sasha situation. Cass was feeling hurt at the fact that he had no idea what to do about anything whatsoever. He loved Gareth, but they just didn’t seem to work together. He wanted to help him, but he just didn’t know how to do it. He wanted Gareth to trust him but he just couldn’t bring the other to do so and he figured it would work even less now that he just showed how useless he could be during the times that mattered. “I’m sorry!” He babbled again, not knowing what else to say, and to be honest he didn’t know what he was specifically sorry for. He didn’t want Gareth apologizing either because it hadn’t been his fault. Gareth wasn’t the only one messed up in their relationship and even if Cass was a master at keeping things like those hidden under a layer of self confidence, sometimes he just had to break. “I love you too, but I just don’t know what to do.” He finally said, lifting his blue eyes filled with tears. “I’m not a good boyfriend… I make you upset all the time how could I be a good boyfriend that way? We’re always mad at each other and I’m always annoying you and I don’t know what to do because I can’t change and even now, look at us! You lost your best friend and I don’t know what to do about it! How is that being a good boyfriend?” Cass slowly dropped his arms from around Gareth and stood there, staring down at him, hoping something came and interrupted his stupid thoughts. This is what happened when you spent too much time caring about yourself and suddenly felt the urge to care about someone else. It just didn’t work as easily as that. 758 WORDS, FOR GAR, MAI CREYS D8

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THIS TEMPLATE WAS MADE BY WILMETTA OF CAUTION.

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[gareth nash brace]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 380px; border-left: 20px solid #7a9aa9; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 20px;] Senseless Denial, We spun like birds on fire right down towards the residence and i I took all that I desired even crooks have to pay the rent We swam like rats on fire right, right down the reservoir We took all that we could carry but we tried to carry more How was it fair for both of them to be so broken? Sure, a lot of fairytale relationships had broken people in them, but didn't the story always end with the person that wasn't completely messed up managing to heal the one that was.. well, messed up? Obviously, this wasn't a very story-book romance, if both of them were broken beyond repair. Gareth knew that both he and Cass always tried their best, but they were just running in circles instead of making any progress. They always came back to the fights, and even though they hadn't ripped apart yet, it wasn't exactly a stable relationship. But they were trying, which was why when Cass started crying too, Gareth made an attempt to calm his own tears, just clinging to Cass and waiting out all the misfortune. His eyes were squeezed shut, and though his breathing was shuddery and hitched in his throat every once in a while, he was still making an effort to be strong for Cass. That was more than he could say for anyone else. Even Sasha. He'd never made much of an effort to be strong for her. She'd been his best friend and his shoulder to cry on, but he'd never had a backbone. She'd been his backbone. Actually causing him to try and pull himself together? That was one of the things that only Cass could do for him. ”But I love you,” he said stubbornly, tightening his grip on Cass. ”I don't care that you don't know what to do, or that you're annoying, because my life would be pointless without you around.” For once in Gareth's life, he managed to speak in a firm voice, stating a clear fact instead of the shaky and easily influenced opinion that he'd always presented. When Cass was this upset, he couldn't afford to be an idiot, could he? He had to show his boyfriend that it was okay, and that he didn't need to be this upset. Cass had always done it for him, when it hadn't turned into a fight. Now the tables were turned, and even though Gareth wasn't sure who had more of a right to be upset in this situation, he wasn't going to let it turn into some stupid cat fight again. ”You don't need to be sorry,” he clarified. His voice was starting to shake again, but he swallowed and forced himself to keep talking. ”You don't have a reason to be sorry. You've done nothing wrong, Cass.” He didn't add any of the usual “okay?”s or “right?”s, and he didn't say that it was his own fault, because some part of him knew that that was part of what he'd been doing wrong all of this time. He'd always known it, to be honest, but it all seemed much more important right now. Now wasn't the time to make Cass even more upset, and Gareth knew that very well. Up until then, he'd been clinging to Cass a little too tightly, so he wasn't too surprised when Cass let go of him. He'd been tense throughout the whole time that he'd been able to speak like someone with a strong will, and now that he wasn't able to hold onto anything anymore, that ability went away too. All he could do was stand in front of Cass and look up at him, his face full of the most obvious emotion in the world. He didn't even need to clarify what said emotion was; anyone could guess. Gareth stood on his toes, taking Cass's face in both hands and pulling him down slightly for a kiss. Even though it was a bit more forceful than Gareth normally allowed, he was still pretty good at making it clear that this wasn't going to go any further than a kiss. He wasn't ever going to stop missing his best friend, but until he learned how to live with the fact that Sasha with gone, he wasn't going to be emotionally ready for anything more than kissing with Cass. ”I love you,” he said softly when it was over, looking into Cass's eyes. ”Please remember that.” Gareth may have had a list of all the reasons why Cass loved him, but he wasn't going to make anything like that for Cass. Hopefully, his boyfriend didn't have short term memory when it came to things like the fact that he was one of the most important people in Gareth's world.

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN OF CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY MODEST MOUSE[/center]

[ciaran cassidy corbett]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r71/maggiesrpstuff/BACKGROUNDS/29or3i8jpg.png); border-left: #d75d49 solid 30px; border-right: #b79ea0 solid 30px; width: 457px; padding-top: 30; padding-bottom: 30;] all i needed, all of your love was all that i needed Cass’ sobbing had turned at some point into a pathetic hiccupping that would’ve made anyone laugh. Well, anyone but the only two people in that room. Cass hadn’t noticed he had been bottling all that inside until now. His high confidence and self esteem weren’t an act like it happened with a lot of people. If anything, Cass was one of the few people who actually loved themselves without much thought of self defects and quirks. It was also the reason why he was so selfish and annoying but in the end that’s how he was. This thing though, this situation, this relationship, this love thing… it just threw him off balance completely and if there was something Cass had trouble handling was being off balance. He couldn’t even understand how he came to love someone else so much. Not once in his time as a serial manwhore he felt the need to keep anyone close to him like he felt the urge to be close to Gareth. It just couldn’t be healthy, but Cass knew that if he even dared to think about drifting away from Gareth he would feel even worse. It had happened before, that time when they fought and practically broke up, Cass felt physically ill; as if somethinginside him just rejected the idea of not having Gareth around anymore. It wasn’t even being alone what bothered him, it was not having Gareth by his side. So it hurt. Having something with someone he needed so bad and wanted so bad and seeing it just don’t work hurt bad. Apparently Gareth wasn’t the only one with a dependence problem, but Cass showed it in very subtle and sporadic ways. When Gareth pulled his face down for a kiss Cass couldn’t help but kiss back. His eyes closed for a second releasing another batch of tears that had been stranded in his eyes until now. After pulling back Cass finally found the strength to clean his tears with the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. Looking down at the floor Cass realized he didn’t feel the urge to leave anymore; it was just gone, vanished, but the urge to fix something was still there. He wasn’t sure what, or if it actually needed to be fixed but it was there, gnawing at his head like an annoying ache. Cass hadn’t missed the way Gareth spoke, the unusual resolve and the meaning of his words. He wanted to say it. He wanted to say that his life would also be pointless and sad without Gareth in it just like it had been during those brief moments in which they fought. He wanted to declare his undying love but somehow he knew that words weren’t exactly necessary this time. Instead he lifted his gaze and posed his still teary eyes on Gareth, his head tilting to the side as some unconscious gesture. He did want to say something though, even if again he would somehow ruin the delicate balance they had somehow reached. “I’m just so tired of fighting…” he said, almost defeated and for once feeling a heavy weight on his shoulders; a weight that was provoked by the guilt he carried from all those fights. How did Cass even manage to turn this from a mourning situation for Gareth into this? Well he’d never know, but even in his almost infinite selfishness Cass was aware that Gareth probably needed his time and space to miss his best friend. Reaching for Gareth’s hand and intertwining their fingers, Cass looked once again at the floor, purposely keeping the physical contact to what could be taken as a comfortable level. “I’m really sorry for Sasha. And…” He paused for a moment, never letting his eyes drift away from the floor as if that would help with the way he wanted to word his phrases “…and I promise I’ll try to stop saying stupid stuff and I know I’ve said this before but… I’m really trying…” Cass’ mind drifted away for a second before snapping back as he looked up at Gareth again. “I really promise… I just don’t want you to go away. I don’t want to be without you.” His eyes were watering again, and again he couldn’t really point out why. Cass was just not used to it but at the same time… he wouldn’t change it for the world. 732 WORDS, FOR GAR, <333333

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THIS TEMPLATE WAS MADE BY WILMETTA OF CAUTION.

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