all the songs we used to sing -*

[stefan lauren winters]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #ABABAB 4px solid; border-bottom: #ABABAB 3px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] astrid and i went on our second date today! well, the second time we went to a public place after we officially got together, so i guess it wasn't exactly a date. but it was still really fun! we went out to the park with julia and played with astrid's dog. i still haven't asked his name yet, but he's this little westie that likes to roll in the mud. julia really liked him. i could tell because she was laughing and clapping. but the dog ran off, so astrid had to go chase him down while i looked after julia. we looked for unicorns until 'trid came back. when she asked us what we'd been doing, jules told her that we found a herd of unicorns. isn't that adorable? we didn't actually, but april fools! after we got home, i made a little unicorn horn out of paper and taped it to one of julia's headbands from when she was really little. it was super tiny, and it's not like she uses it anymore, so we put it on the dog. he really is a good dog for astrid and her mother, because he doesn't freak out too easily. he just tried to lick jules after we put the horn on his head, and she liked that. it's really nice to see her happy. or is it just me that's seeing things in a different way now that astrid's around? i should stop writing with pen, so i can erase things properly. 'trid left after a while. she said that maybe we could go out to dinner tomorrow night or something. first real date? i say yes, yes please~ it's perfect. everything's perfect. 'trid is perfect, and with her, i'm perfect. i don't care how cheesy that sounded, but i really do love her. now let me just pray that no one ever reads this... ( a p r i l , t w e n t y o ' s e v e n )

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[stefan lauren winters]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #ABABAB 4px solid; border-bottom: #ABABAB 3px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] i can't believe that i still have this journal. i could have sworn that it went missing after i started my big acting career, but no, here it is. where it's been all along, i guess. i must have just left it lying in my suitcase when i went back to sweden after school. well, i'm back in paris now, though we haven't started filming yet. i went to a party today, though not at a club. god, how much fun would the press have if i went to clubs on a regular basis? no, i haven't been to one for a while. this was just a little meeting for some of the famous people in paris at the moment. maybe not so little. it was surprising for me to be invited, since i didn't think i was that well known yet... but oh well. it's not like i'm going to complain or anything, right? how could i? here's where we get to what i wanted to write, though. i saw ila there. ila blanche, famous model? yeah. i haven't seen her since i had sex with her. dammit, that sounds so blunt and shameless. i haven't seen her in a while, okay? whatever. we talked, and almost got into an argument, though we both walked away before anyone noticed. it made me think, though. what will i do for my reputation? would i give up astrid, or throw her to the side just to keep my job? if the public didn't approve of her, what would i do? honestly, i have no idea what's more important. the love of my life or my job? i told ila that i would just avoid showing astrid to the press, but is it really that easy? they already know about her, after all. i still have a few magazines that have pictures of us posing together... but i like the pictures that we took in highschool better. astrid is more important, but i'm still not sure if i'd give up my job for her. does that make me a bad boyfriend? i guess i'm already kind of a horrible boyfriend with all the cheating i do, but... what she doesn't know won't hurt her, will it? anyway, i guess the answer to my question is this. if the public didn't like astrid, i would hide her. i know that she probably wouldn't like that, but i don't want to give up my job or break up with her. she's the one that encouraged me to get the job in the first place! ( f e b u a r y , t w e n t y t w e l v e )

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[stefan lauren winters]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #ABABAB 4px solid; border-bottom: #ABABAB 3px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] dear diary, i've decided to start a diary, since i worked so hard on my writing skills in class. my teacher said that my parents would be proud of me, but she was wrong. i don't want them to be proud of me, because that makes them think of me. and if they think of me, they'll worry, because parents always worry. i want them to just ignore me, and when they do check on me, i'll be perfect, right? yeah, so i made my grades a lot better and worked on my writing skills. now they don't have to worry about me. but i can't tell anyone about me trying to be perfect, because they'll try and make me stop. they say it's unhealthy to be perfect, and that i should just be myself, but i don't believe them. it's better for mom and dad if i'm perfect, because then they can focus on julia and not worry about their older kid. but i guess it got lonely, not telling anyone about what i'm doing or thinking. that's what a diary is for, right? to tell someone what you're thinking, without actually telling anyone? yeah, i think, because only i'm ever going to read this. but it's kind of helping to write things down. all the people in the stories write their thoughts in diaries, so if mom and dad see me writing in one, they'll think i'm a good kid. they won't be worried that i'm lonely or anything, because i have a diary, and i made a lot of new friends over the past year! for now, though, i'm not sure what else to write in this. oh well. i need to do my homework now. with love and hugs, your new writer, stefan ( m a y , n i n e t e e n n i n e t y n i n e )

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[stefan lauren winters]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #ABABAB 4px solid; border-bottom: #ABABAB 3px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] i miss 'trid. it hasn't even been a month since i came to paris, but it's been way too long since i've seen her. honestly, she's one of the only people that i can stand to be around. everyone i know is playing some game or another, for fame or love. sex or money. everyone wants something, even if they don't know it. i think what i want is astrid and julia to have a good life. astrid's mother, too. all the people like them. and i get that by making money, right? does it make me a better person if i help other people? 'trid could probably make a living as a model (she's so pretty!) but i don't think she wants that kind of life. i don't know, i've never asked her, but she suggested that i become an actor instead of going out and doing it herself. i never really know what's going through her mind, but i can't be suspicious of her. i know that she wants the best for me, unlike some of these people that i'm working with. they all want the best for themselves. 'trid is just... 'trid. she's herself. she's perfect because she helps people and cares about them in that adorable way of hers, but i don't think her perfection and mine are the same thing. we're different people, so i shouldn't aim to be like her. i have to be myself, right? everyone that loves me - or supposedly does - tells me that, but i am trying to be myself. i just want to be perfect at the same time. it's not impossible, right? astrid never said it was. ergh, i'm getting off track again. whenever i start to think about astrid, i can't think about anything but her. and being perfect, but that's always on my mind. it has to be anyway, i invited her to paris. i don't think i can go for much longer without seeing her. i mean, i lasted through four school years without seeing her other than the summers, but this is different. acting is different than school, and it's just... i need her here, or i'm going to break down and lose my job. so i sent her an email asking if she wants to come visit. she hasn't replied yet. ( j a n u a r y , t w e n t y t w e l v e )

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[stefan lauren winters]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 420px; border-top: #ABABAB 4px solid; border-bottom: #ABABAB 3px solid; background-color: #ffffff; background-image: url(http://i739.photobucket.com/albums/xx40/tippykazoo/Caution/24o0v2t.png);] [atrb=width,400] u·to·pi·a [yoo-toh-pee-uh] noun 1. an imaginary island described in Sir Thomas More's Utopia (1516) as enjoying perfection in law, politics, etc. 2. (usually lowercase) an ideal place or state. 3. (usually lowercase) any visionary system of political or social perfection. i think that this is the perfect word for me, honestly. by the way, i copied the definition from dictionary.com. it took a while to make it look nice and everything, so i hope whoever's reading this appreciates that. do you know what makes me sad, though? this word is exactly what i'm aiming for. i want to be in an ideal state, and be the perfect person. but that isn't what makes me sad, it's just necessary information before i tell you what makes me sad. see the first definition, where it says imaginary? that suggests that a utopia doesn't exist. that can't be true, though. why would i aim for something that's just a story, a fairy tale? a little notion for the dreamers of the world? i like to think of myself as a realist, but this definition suggests that it's not true. i can be a realist and still want to be the perfect person, right? i hope so... if a utopia is just an imaginary thing, who's going to like me when they know that a utopia is what i'm aiming for? what i want to be? no one. ( j u l y , t w e n t y e l e v e n )

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