running around in circles · alexei · COMPLETE

[anouk lirienne fournier]

Anouk was mad, really pissed off, but what she was above all was hurt. She had feared this, the big fight between them but she hadn’t expected it to be over her, and much less because of something she had stopped doing since she was with him: Boys, parties and alcohol. She hadn’t hit on a boy since she confessed to Alex and broke up with Cass, she hadn’t drink alcohol as much as she used to except from the occasional beer or two, and she had barely attended to parties because it made him worried and uncomfortable. What hurt her was Alexei accusing her of not caring for him, of choosing those things over him when all she had done and all she had gone through had been thinking of him and for his sake. She was tired, confused, hurt, pissed off, and on top of that her withdrawal had chosen the worst moment to hit her, she had a massive headache, she felt sick and tears were running down her checks. Anouk didn’t bother on hiding them as she walked down the streets as fast as she could and not caring about he glances she was receiving her way. People looked at her with pity, wondering what was wrong with her and why she seemed so upset. But it was curiosity what they had in their eyes, no one really cared, not even Alexei did.

Certainly she didn’t mean what she had said about following the advice of the gossiper, as hurt as she was Anouk knew she was way stronger than that now, and well, all of this had only been a fight right? They would get over… or not. And right not it seemed the ‘no’ part was definitely winning much to her fears. The only thing she had ever fear was this, him looking for a reason to break up, him doubting about her love and leaving her because of that, or because of morals kicked his brain. Alex had a lot of reasons to break with her apparently, and what did she have? A broken heart and her tears, and all the dreams and hopes shattered on the floor just because he didn’t seem to get that she loved him. How many times would she have to say it out loud? How many times would she have to show him? None anymore apparently. Was it of any use? Tired and down and with her vision blurred by the tears she sat on a bench and cried her eyes out. She wasn’t going to hide the pain she had inside anymore, she had realized bottling it up was no good at all and she could end up exploding in a bad way. Right now she so wanted to though, she wanted to just vanish again or wake up to realize it had been a nightmare.

But Anouk wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon, and this had been very real. She rested her face on her hands, trying to control the sobs. On top of it all Alex had sent Cass with the message instead of doing it himself, that had put her into a worst mood than she already was if that was even possible, and she had stalked out the house. Now her mobile beeped again as another text came in, but this time she wasn’t even going to open the phone to read what was in inside because she could care less. She was tired of arguing for nothing, it didn’t matter how many times she told him she loved him if he wasn’t going to believe that, what they were doing together then? Alexei has no trust on her whatsoever, he had just proved so, and now he was trying to fix it, but for her it sounded all more like excuses and lies… what he had said before suited more her mood and well, people always thought better what to say after the anger was gone, when someone is angry they tended to voice all their real thoughts, so now there was no point in believing what he said anymore. There was no point on anything.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 696
NOTES, random street of paris honestly lol couldn't think of a place near enough their house but far enough for people they know to be around xD.

[alexei leon fournier]

There was no way that a girl like Anouk would fall in love with him, what was the point? Like he had thought before, he was an awkward, stupid, creepy anti-social twenty four year old and she was a gorgeous butterfly; someone that everyone loved. She deserved more than him, she deserved to have a guy that would love her, deal with her and show her that she meant the world because Alex was sure that he would never be able to do that. Seeing that Luke boy flirt with her had made him reach a boiling point where he just knew that a lot of boys lusted after the girl he loved and she didn’t seem to mind at all. She seemed to just allow the boy to carry on flirting instead of stopping and acknowledging Alex, it was like a Cass thing all over again but this time it made him angrier, more upset and just plain terrified because what if she did leave him? They had been through so much already and he didn’t want her gone but if this was happening, if she missed her alcohol, her sex, her parties so much then why did she get with him? Why did she even bother giving up on those things? It was certain that Alex would worry but if she missed them, if she was suffering he would have let her carry on with it; and she should have known that instead of doubting it.

Cass had texted him first and that was what made Alex remember what he had said; ‘why don’t you take yourself out?’ That instant he realized he was an idiot, he was angry, stupid and just plain idiotic to say that to Anouk, what was wrong with him? Why did he have to be such an asshole? Why couldn’t he just remember that she loved him and only him? His thoughts were muddled by an angry walk down the hallway of their house and a text from Cass, with widened eyes at what he read he quickly followed Anouk, not wanting her to leave but by the time he exited his room she was already out of the door. Running down the stairs in fear of not catching up with her, he accidentally bumped into a stand, stubbing his feet, but he didn’t care. Hissing in pain, he shoved his feet into a pair of shoes and ran outside, scared that he might have lost her. But looking around for a few seconds seemed stupid so he walked until he caught sight of angry, spunky haired girl walking down the street and he sighed in relief for not losing her. It was difficult to think that he might lose her again, that she might end up truly finishing what she had started a few months ago and no way in hell could Alex allow that to happen, no way could he lose the most precious thing in his life due to a cruddy mistake of his.

Coming to a slow stop when he finally reached Anouk, he fought back tears, no, there was no way that he could have caused this beautiful creature to let out these ugly sobs, was he that heartless? Walking slowly as she continued to cry, he stopped in front of her and dropped to his knees slowly, placing both hands on her knees and looking up into her face. “Je suis désolé mon amour, s'il vous plaît pardonnez-moi, je suis un idiot pour vous faire pleurer."

tagged// anouk
word count// 590
thoughts// this is so sad!

[anouk lirienne fournier]

She was so self-absorbed in the whirl that was her mind that she didn’t hear the footsteps behind her. Anouk hated being the weak one in the relationship; she hated how much it got her all he said, all the efforts she was always making for him and the fact that he never seemed to care one little bit. All he thought about was guys, the guys she had been with, the guys she might be. Alexei had been the one suggesting taking a fake boyfriend so people won’t suspect of them being together, but if he couldn’t handle something as simple as guys hitting on her… well she didn’t even know why he had suggested such a thing in the first place. So yes, guys hit on her and she ignored them, she didn’t scare them off but she didn’t encourage them either, she just didn’t care. Anouk knew what she felt for Alex, it was crystal clear on her mind and it hadn’t changed at all in the past three years. There in the bench sitting in the darkness and cold she felt so empty and such pain, it was as if she had come back to the past and all the pain was concentrated on her chest again. Just because Alex had said she should finish herself off. When Anouk had read the gossip in the board she felt pain, pain so sharp it left her breathless then she thought of him and how much he loved her and how much she loved him and how little she should care about what people said.

Now he had said that and she didn’t know what to believe anymore. She couldn’t see anymore, tears had completely blocked her vision and she won’t stop sobbing uncontrollably. That’s why she didn’t notice he was there until he dropped on his knees and placed his hands on her knees. Anouk tried to look at him but tears won’t let her. Right now she didn’t care if he saw all the pain she was feeling, all the hurt and how much she was suffering. She shook her head and threw her arms around him, around his neck and hugged him tightly. She didn’t want to fight, she didn’t want to lose him and she was going to do all she could to keep him by her side. He seemed to be truly sorry and she had apologized enough, it wouldn’t erase the pain she was feeling though and much less the words he had said to her, but at least they won’t get deeper on it and hurt each other more already. “ Je suis désolé aussi, je n'ai pas eu l'intention de vous blesser du tout. Je vous aime, je vous aime tellement. Je ne veux pas vous perdre.” she won’t stop sobbing though, because the pain was still there. She loved him so much, why would she let him go even if he hurt her like that? Anouk knew she was stupid for letting him off the hook that easily but she loved him. There was no way around it.

How much could she handle? How much could she handle until she broke down? How much could she push the strings of her heart until they break? Anouk knew they would suffer and fight along this relationship and that this wasn’t going to be the only one that they both would get hurt a lot because of this and that even worst things were to come. “I love you, please understand that.” She said letting him go and looking at him while she tried to clean her tears from her eyes and face. She looked at him, with such pain and regret on his face for hurting her and she felt even worst for doing that to him.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 637
NOTES, i know ='(

[alexei leon fournier]

When was he so self-conscious? It was as if he had a sudden personality change, ever since he had gotten together with Anouk he was different, different, kinder, patient, but the fight that just happened showed that there were so many different sides to him, there were the romantic sides that were specially reserved for Anouk, there were the angry sides that were reserved for people whom he didn’t like and the kinder sides for friends that seemed to understand his anti social ways. Every body acted differently with different people, depending on the circumstances and the environment that that person was in, it was something that was inevitable because the human mind worked in completely different ways that not one individual was even genetically similar to another. Why couldn’t he just put on bravado? Why did he have to be so emotionally complex when it came to his feelings with Anouk? His mind needed to shut up, it needed to shut up and take everything that was thrown his way because he loved Anouk, it was clear in his heart that he did but why was he always so stupid for? It was as if his mind just wanted to mess everything up and no, it wasn’t a good thing. If Anouk was a girl that he didn’t like and wanted to get rid of then he wouldn’t have minded being such an asshole to her, but no, he loved her and couldn’t stand the sight of tears that was falling down her cheeks when he had reached her. It seemed like he was the idiot that wrecked the relationship; not her.

In his mind, he had a feeling that she would kick him when he reached her that she would storm off once more without listening to him and he would be left in the dog house for all her friends to pounce on and beat the shit out of, frankly he deserved that and wouldn’t be surprised if she did even allow them to do that; because he was an idiot. As she looked down at him with damp cheeks and more tears strolling down from her eyes, his face turned into a pained expression, he couldn’t see her like this, he couldn’t see his Anouk like this; she deserved better, she deserved more but he knew that if he raised a topic like that ever, she’d only say that he was the one and that was what he was going to try and do, to try and show her that he could give into her. His eyes closed in surprise at her sudden pounce on him, his hands went around her torso, pulling her off the bench and into his arms, his head pushed against the back of her shoulder, his eyes slightly damp from tears that were threatening to fall; he didn’t want her to be gone form his life, because with her in it, it seemed to have become brighter and he was sure she knew how much she meant to him…well he hoped she did. Stroking her hair, he shook his head firmly. “All my fault, all my fault and don’t you dare argue that because you know it’s true. Please stop giving into me, do what you want, hit me, smack me, make me feel worthless because I really do deserve it all.” He shook his head against her shoulder once more, holding her tighter with each word he spoke.

Pulling his head out from her shoulder, one arm was still wrapped around her torso, for a moment he had forgotten about people and he glanced around quickly, just to see but there was hardly anyone around. The other hand that wasn’t around her waist, moved up to her face, gently wiping the tears off of her face as best as he could. “I love you too, I do, I’m an idiot I know that, a very big one, I should believe you; it’s just difficult.” Shaking his head, he closed his eyes for a second before biting his lower lip and letting out a sigh.

tagged// anouk
word count// 684
thoughts// she should hit him!

[anouk lirienne fournier]

It didn’t matter all the effort she was doing to keep the relationship going if he wasn’t going to put something on his part. Anouk knew this was difficult on Alexei, with the whole hiding part and everything, and because his damned morals, she was afraid he was going to leave her at any given moment. He always thought things too much, worried too much and liked to discuss hurtful topics at the worst moments. No matter how many time she had reassured Alex that he had nothing to fear about him not having as much experience as her, he kept thinking about it and acting like a jealous asshole around her male friends. Anouk knew how guys acted around her, she knew perfectly well how many of them wanted to get on her pants and they hit on her. But it wasn’t her fault anymore, she wasn’t provoking those reactions on them now, and though most of them came certainly because of her past… well it wasn’t as if she could change that now, could she? Alexei couldn’t trust her enough it seemed, if he was capable of accusing her of hitting on boys. Has she stopped telling him she loved him? No, she said it to him every damn moment of the day, why he couldn’t believe her then? Anouk also knew Alexei was afraid she was going to leave him for a more experience guy that gave her sex and pampered her like a princess.

She didn’t want that. She wanted what she had with him; she wanted him with all the bad and good things. She wanted him with even all this. The laughs, the soft caresses, the way he rubbed his nose against hers, the way he kissed her neck and how perfectly well he found her weak spot, the way his hands fitted perfectly with hers when they hold hands, his soft lips, his taste, his scent… Anouk didn’t want anyone else but him, and it would kill her if she ever had to try living without him and with another boy instead. She wouldn’t be able to do such a thing. That’s why she forgave him so quickly even if her chest was burning with pain and she could barely breathe because of it, even if her eyes and nose were red from crying her soul out. She clang to him as if he was her lifeboat, loving the way he hugged her and how he stroked her hair, loving the sound of his voice that she would have recognized anywhere. Though she didn’t want to, she had to admit he was right, he had been an utterly idiot because she didn’t give him a reason to have such an outburst. Since when had she changed so much as to be the one handling outburst? “You were stupid. And you definitely deserve it.” She said but she couldn’t bring herself to hurt him.

She looked hard at him, her eyes narrowing. Wasn’t it hard for her too? But she enduring it, he could at least do the effort of believing in her, that’s all she had asked of him so far, she was doing all the hard job in the relationship, she had the worst weight on her back just so he didn’t have to feel the pressure. And he was the one finding it difficult? “I can’t believe you said it’s difficult. Do you think this is any easier on me?” She said, her tone going higher with every word she spoke, anger flaring on her again. “All I’ve asked of you so far had been for you to believe in me, in this relationship! I’ve endure far more things than I should because I love you! And you are still saying it’s difficult for you!” She didn’t want to fight, but Alexei made it hard for her sometimes. Anouk bit her lip hard fighting back more tears, but his touch softened her and she wasn’t as mad as she had been, she was more hurt than anything else.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 677
NOTES, she wants to! but she loves him too much to hurt him, but he is getting dangerously close to a slap haha

[alexei leon fournier]

When he told her that she should take herself out of it, he didn’t mean out of the world, he didn’t mean go away for the rest of his life and leave him alone, he meant to take herself out of the relationship that they were in because she was always annoyed with him, because he was always going to get jealous no matter what and because he was always going to hurt her. He had so many flaws, he was so self conscious, Anouk needed someone who was confident with himself, someone who could give her what he wanted and he knew he was less than capable of giving her anything. He was just a stupid man, but he was her stupid man because he was the man that she had fallen in love with. He was the man that she had thought of spending her entire life with because she thought that he was more than capable of giving her everything and he had to believe that. It was just difficult for him to do so and he had no idea why; he was just an idiot when it came to things like this.

How could he have been such an idiot? Why couldn’t he just hold the fact in his head that she did love him and that there was nothing to be worried about? He didn’t want her out of his life anymore, he would miss those kisses, those touches the banana tasting lips of hers, it was just something that got him intoxicated by her. He didn’t want to be intoxicated by anyone else’s lips, touches or kisses; he just wanted to be with her forever now. He wanted to wake up and see her, he wanted to go to sleep with her curled up next to him, he wanted to hold her hand everywhere he went, he wanted to make love to her, wanted to do every thing in the world with her and he knew that; it was focused sternly on his mind and here he was now ruining everything he wanted to do because he was a fool. “I do, I really do, so go ahead and do it. Hurt me please?” He pulled back, holding her face in between his hands, his eyes filled with worry and deep regret, he just didn’t want her out of his life and he hoped what he had done could really be forgiven.

He waited, looking at her for her to say something to him, he knew he was being an idiot, it was probably stamped across his forehead because he may have done some stupid things in his life but this was biggest one. He had t remember that she was doing worse than he was in this relationship, that he was the one causing her to cry all the time; it was his entire fault not hers and he shouldn’t be finding it difficult. Wincing at her tone, he kept his eyes open to look at her. His arms tightened around her waist though because he didn’t want to let go of her, he didn’t want her to go away, even though her tone was becoming angrier, her expressions were changing from one of hurt to anger; he didn’t want to let go of her because she meant everything to him. “I know.” Putting his head down so he wouldn’t look at her, he sighed. “I know you have, you’ve done so much for me, you’ve given up so much for me and I’m a horrible person if I don’t tell you that I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me no matter how difficult.” He didn’t want to continue fighting so he did the first thing that came to his mind, even if there were people around, even if it didn’t matter to her anymore, all he wanted to do was this. Pushing her cheeks together he pulled her closer and pressed his lips against her, soft gentle kisses at first, which suddenly turned deep, long and passionate. This was the girl he loved and he wasn’t going to hurt her anymore; he hoped at least.

tagged// anouk
word count// 695
thoughts// but he kissed her now...so brownie points?

[anouk lirienne fournier]

She didn’t want to snap at him like she did. She didn’t want to yell at him, to be mad at him or to hurt him, but he was doing it so much difficult for her to just keep the words from rolling out of her tongue. He well deserved a slap, or a smack on the head, but she couldn’t muster the energy to do it, she would hate herself if she ever dared to do such a thing. But she knew words could make him feel worst than a hit, and it was her best weapon right at the moment, she had something she wanted to throw at his face, something that hurt her when he suggested it and now it was time to use it against him. As bad as that made her feel, Alexei well deserved the suffering right at the moment. “If you can't even handle boys hitting on me Alex, why did you even suggested the idea of having a fake relationship with someone else? How will you handle that?” Anouk knew she was right, and she knew that was going to hit a sour spot, or so she hoped. She hated the idea of someone else hanging around him, kissing him, hugging him… but she had go with his idea just because he wanted to have a cover, because he was always worried of someone discovering them. How was he going to stand to see her in other man’s arms? If he couldn’t even stand some stupid flirting that she hadn’t even done.

But she had never been able to be mad at him for long and her anger went way the pain and hurt. She looked at him as he spoke, he really had no idea how much she had done and how much she was suffering, the hell that was going through withdrawal because well, sex depravation was tolerable and so was no hitting on boys, but alcohol and drugs were very difficult to quit from her system and they were making her suffer. But even if she was mad at him, and wanted to throw all her pain at him, she couldn’t. And much less when he took her face in his hands and kissed her. At first she had debated between pushing him away or not, but then her thoughts had vanished and though he didn’t deserve to be kissed back that was exactly what she did. She kissed him senseless, drinking of him as she had never before, because this was the way he was asking for forgiveness and this was making the pain in her chest vanish. She clang to him because really, there was nothing that could have them separated. She loved him so very damn much it was unfair. Anouk was the one breaking the kiss for once, and looked at his eyes, making sure she had all his attention. “No Alex, you have no idea of the sacrifice and the things I am going through to keep you beside me.” She said, trying hard to keep her breath even, but it was difficult after the dizzying kiss.

“You will never understand what is to have your body crave for something so fiercely is painful. The sickness, the trembles, all that. But I love you and I hope you understand that one day, because there is so much a person can handle until it breaks, and I’ve been already broken once, it’s difficult to keep the pieces together after that. But I love you, so much, that I am gladly taking in all this for you, and I've never regreted the choices I made.” It had been hard to get over her suicide attempt though she had never completely done that, her depression was still hovering over her head, sharpened by the lack of alcohol and drugs, she had put on a good front for him, but inside she had been dealing and fighting to keep the happiness she was feeling from shattering under the pressure of her mind. Anouk had her mind filled with doubts a lot of times, about her being not good enough or worth enough for him to fight their parents, about his morals kicking in, about her depression taking the best of her. What if she got wasted and cheated on Alex? What if she ended up again in the drugs? If she wasn’t strong enough? What if the pain made her break again? And she had to fight them all alone, all her fears, all her doubts, the shadows of the corners of her mind that were trying to get over her completely. All that had keep her floating had been him all this time.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 762
NOTES, loads of points for Alex display of affection in the middle of a street near his house haha

[alexei leon fournier]

The idea of having a fake boyfriend or girlfriend, he didn’t even have a clue as to why he suggested that, it was painful for him to think it, let alone say it but he had to. He was always worried about having someone recognise them and tell his parents, he was always worried that they would be ripped apart by their parents because of some sort of rumour going around that was on the gossip boards; somehow these things would get back to their parents. Wincing at his words, he knew this was going to be tough to answer, he knew this was going to hurt him. Everything he did always came back and bit him in the ass, it was horrible. He let out a straggly breath and looked down, a pained look on his face as he wondered how he could answer her, because she was right. If he couldn’t stand a guy flirting with her, how could he stand her having a boyfriend that would wrap his arms around her? How would he be able to tolerate that? It would pain him even more, shatter his heart into a million pieces as if glass shards had been put inside of him; it would be painful. Biting his lower lip, he slowly lifted up his head and said the truth. “I..I don’t know, I thought it was a good idea at the time, for you to have someone who could love you in public…” Looking back down at the space in between them, he sighed again, his eyes not focusing on anything.

No, he had no idea what she was going through. He wouldn’t ever be able to understand the pain, the cravings, the way her stomach gnawed on her insides for the amounts of things that she had given up. He would never be able to understand the amount of pain that went through her body every time he did something stupid because he was an idiot like that, he didn’t ever bother to see it in her point of view, and he was always talking about himself. It really was time for Alex to start thinking about someone other than himself, he had to give into Anouk because she already gave up so much for him; it wasn’t a good thing at all. He had to stop being so negative, to stop being so negative and hurting Anouk because his flaws, his sufferings, it made her upset and he never fully intended to do something like that. He just wanted her to be happy, but of course, he did the total opposite; it was as if Alex was always doing the opposite of what she ever told him and that wasn’t decent at all. All seemed forgiven when she returned the kiss and Alex realised there and then that no other girl could match up to Anouk’s kisses, that she was going to stay in his life no matter what; he wasn’t going to let her go because she was mind-altering, utterly and desirably intoxicating. But when she pulled away, he was surprised; that was something that she never did; in fact she always encouraged him to carry on. His lips were still puckered up and his eyes were red from the tears that were stopped before.

His arms held her waist, still pulling her close to him as she spoke and looked her in the eyes; he knew this was going to come and he braced himself for it. Finally he broke down, at the mention of her suicide he broke, they had been through this once and he didn’t think that he could go through it again; it would never be possible. A tear rolled down his eyes, followed by a few more and Alex shook his head, letting go of her waist and pulling back away from her, his arm went upwards, wiping the tears sideways and blurring his vision some more. Rubbing his eyes, they soon became clear and he looked at her, licking his lips lightly. “I know, I’ll never understand all the pain I put you through on a daily basis, I can’t fully appreciate what you’re doing for me and I have no idea why. But I love you, I love you so much and I’m hoping that I can take some of the burden for you. S'il vous plaît chéri, dis-moi d'abandonner quelque chose pour vous et je serai heureux de le faire, laissez-moi comprendre ce que vous vivez." Taking a gulp, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and he let out a strangled sigh, a few more tears falling down his face.

tagged// anouk
word count// 778
thoughts// HAHA YAY!

[anouk lirienne fournier]

Anouk knew she had touched the right spot when she saw Alexei wince at his own words. She got exactly what she was looking for which was using his words against him and look him regret them. She didn’t enjoy it though, because even if he well deserve a bit of torture she could barely stand what she was doing to him. Anouk knew it was probably going to kill herself seeing Alex with another girl, in fact she cringed at the only thought. She knew something was going to break inside her the same moment he decided to get a girlfriend, even if she knew better than to believe the charade it was all going to be too much real for her. The touches, the kisses… everything, was going to be real. She got the reaction she wanted but just not the answer she expected. He could still maintain his suggestion, after all he had done, the big fight they had over stupid jealousy, he could still have the nerve to suggest it and indirectly blame it on her. As if she needed someone other than him, as if after all she had gone through she would just want something different. This time, and without her realizing it, she slapped him. Not too hard though but enough to make him wake up. “What are you saying?” she said, so angry her voice was even losing mid-way. “I don’t need someone to love in public you bloody idiot! It was you suggesting the idea because you are too much of a coward to face this!” She bit her lip as soon as she realized her sudden outburst, but he had well deserved it.

He will never have an idea of how difficult it was all for her, even if he told her, because he had never felt it in his life. She was sick and tired all the time, her legs sometimes too weak to hold the weight of her body. She had a real fight inside her to wake in the mornings; her hands trembled a lot though she had it controlled when Alex was around. Her body ached all over and screamed and rebelled in pain against the lack of things it had been given to them in the past six months. Anouk hadn’t realized how deep she had been into drugs until she had to get out of them. She didn’t know it was going to be this hard, but her whole body demanded her to give it all back and she couldn’t. She was constantly fighting off the desire of giving into it and getting drunk senseless, having a high and enjoy it all over again. But Alexei was always first, always, and she hated to be so hard on him, but it was the only way to make him understand. Thought the moment she said all that sentences, the moment she finally let all her frustrations out of her body and told him how she was feeling, the moment pain crossed Alexei’s features, Anouk wished she could just take them all back again. The moment she saw those tears rolling down his face she realized how much she had hurt him, and how much she hated herself for it. She took his face between her hands, kissing his tears away and then kissing him fully on the mouth, her own tears mixing with him.

It was so strange, first she slapped him and then she kissed him, but she couldn’t bring herself to be mad at him, or to hurt him, and seeing him cry hurt her more than anything else in the world, it opened a wound deep inside her that won’t be able to close until she knew he was fine again. “I told you once and I’ll repeat myself again. I don’t need you to give up on anything, I don’t need you to change, all I ever asked of you, and will ever ask is to trust me.” She said, cleaning the tears off his face. Anouk was really bleeding inside now, she could take everything as long as it wasn’t hurting Alexei, and it had been herself the one doing that now, she hated it and herself for being so stupid as to let him know all that. “I love you, despise what you might believe, despise your doubts, I will never let go of you, you hear me? No matter how difficult things might get for us or how much pain I have to go through, I don’t care.” And she so meant that, every single word of it. If she had to go endure the thing with the girlfriend, so it be as long as he was safe, sound and happy.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 793
NOTES, there, i didn't mean to but after saying that... she just had the urge.

[alexei leon fournier]

He wanted her to be happy, if she was having such a hard time with this relationship, if she was finding it difficult to go through the withdrawal that she was going through; then she might as well leave him, that was what any normal person would think right? But both Anouk and Alexei were already so very intimate, they were already going through so much that a lot of couples didn’t go through and breaking apart was not just an option for them. There were too close to one another now, it was as if their hearts were joining together and had already become one, if one was hurt then the other would be too no matter what, if one was angry then the other somehow became angry too and if one was happy the other was going to be happy obviously. The sting of the pain from her hand registered a few seconds after she had slapped him his eyes suddenly widened after closing on impact, but he didn’t hold his cheek, allowing it to turn a deep red instead. Tears were forcing out of his eyes but he didn’t care, he deserved it, he had told her to hit him and he knew that the pain he was feeling then wasn’t even one tenth of everything that she had gone through, not even a hundredth at all and that made him feel even worse. Looking away from her because of her harsh and angry tone, he took some time trying to collect himself together; but really he was just dazed, dazed by everything that had happened. Her lasts words struck him hard though.

He was a coward, he was running away from this relationship instead of embracing it like he should have done, he should have been taking her in his arms and telling her that he wasn’t a coward that he was going to hold her in front of everyone now but that would have been a lie. Because he was a coward, he was a stupid, idiotic coward who could never live up to doing anything. Nodding his head at her words, he finally looked up at her, lightly licking his lips and wetting his throat so he wouldn’t sound so croaky when his voice finally appeared and came out. “I know I am, I know I am ok? But I know that you’re having a hard time with this, I know it, I’m not touching you in public, me constantly looking around’ don’t say it’s not annoying you because I know it is. Just because I never used to notice your features before, doesn’t mean that I don’t do it now, because I do and I can see the annoyance in your expressions whenever I move away from you.” Sighing he ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “God, just forget what I said please, I don’t want to fight with you anymore Anouk...I know I’m a coward, I know I’m probably stupid for not allowing us to go any further or picking up an argument with you all the time...” Shrugging his shoulders, he realised that he was lost for words, how could he make her understand that he wanted what was best for her and not for him?

He sighed once more, it was becoming too difficult for him, but he stopped himself from finishing off that thought because it wasn’t just difficult for him, what he had to realise was that it was so much more difficult for Anouk. Couldn’t he see how much she went through on a daily basis just for him? That was why when she finally kissed him on the mouth his hands went around her, pulling her up, his arms around her waist to pick her up off the ground, his lips didn’t leave hers as all and he was becoming feverish now. All he wanted were her kisses and for a few moments his mind went blank, all thoughts about people noticing them were gone, all thoughts about suddenly being caught was vanished; it was just himself and Anouk in the world now and no one could ruin it a[part from the both of them. Gently, he placed her feet back onto the ground and held her close to him, his nose rubbing against hers as she spoke, his breath mingling with hers as the last of his tears washed down his face. He pressed his lips against hers more, but the kisses were just soft now so it was easy for him to pull back and speak in between each kiss he placed on her. “I trust you, I will continue to trust you mi amour, you mean the world to me. I love you; I don’t want things to become difficult between us anymore. “

tagged// anouk
word count// 805
thoughts// hehe poor alex!

[anouk lirienne fournier]

Anouk hated being mad him, hated the mixed feelings she got, how she would like to kiss him senseless and forget everything but at the same time keep on with the fight because he deserved it, Alexei needed to wake up about what was going on around them. But going as far as to slap him something she had never thought she would do to him no matter how angry she was, had been taking things too far for her. And she broke down when he saw his expression, trying to endure it because he knew he had deserved it, because before he had begged for it, but she was sure he hadn’t actually expected her hitting him. Anouk right now was suffering the slap more than he actually did and she stared at her hand in amazement trying to figure out how it had life of its own and hit him. She bit her lip, really hard, so hard she made it bleed, she hadn’t mean saying that to him. Sure she had thought sometimes he was a coward and didn’t have the guts to go further really into the relationship and now she wasn’t meaning sex but the whole relationship. But she knew it was her angriness speaking and not her actual feelings, it was frustration, tiresome and withdrawal planting those thoughts into her. More tears ran down her face when he spoke and the little pieces of her heart that she had been holding together for so long finished shattering. How could she hurt him in such a way? She who had been trying to protecting from all this was the one causing the wound now. “I didn’t mean this, all that. I don’t want to fight Alexei, I hate hurting you like this… this is all my fault…”

How had she ended up apologizing? Because her feelings pushed her to protect him to lessen the burden off his shoulders to put it on her own. She had fought for him to be happy, not caring never about her one little bit, she was stronger, she could put up with so much crap, and she already did, what was a bit more? But Anouk knew bit by bit she was end up breaking under the pressure, she only hoped he wouldn’t be able to see that. And well, all of that vanished once his hands were around her, once she tasted his lips, now salty because of the tears but the same addiction nonetheless. It was intoxicating, fire everywhere, fireworks exploding in her mind. How could he do such a thing to her, how could he drive her so insane? There was nothing around them anymore, he made the world vanish every time he touched her like that, and she was drinking from him tonight as if she had never tasted his lips and never would again, as if the world was ending on them. She hated fighting with him more than anything else; she could stand everything but this. That’s why she was kissing him, to wash away his fears, to make him understand what he meant to her, and she was passionate and fierce, as she had always been when it came to her feelings toward him. When he placed her on the floor and the world seemed to straighten she clang to his chest, her hands fits on them as if she was holding onto him for dear life, and certainly she was.

If right now he let go of her, if he happened to let go, she was going to break into million pieces because his pained face keep replying behind her eyelids time and time again, remembering it had been her the one causing it. “Hold me tonight Alexei.” She said, looking up to him, some tears still running down her checks. “I don’t want you to let go of me, I need you.” How could she be so insecure? So strong and so weak? How could she handle the world and more but one word from Alexei, just one, would finish her off? “It’s you all I ever wanted, all I ever needed and will need. It’s only you, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you, I am scared, and I don’t like being scared.” She was scared of so many things right now. Of losing herself, of breaking down, of hurting him again… and the most important of all, losing him forever.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 744
NOTES, not exactly what I expected though XD but yeah this is what you get lol.

[alexei leon fournier]

Pain was something that he was used to, he was sure that everyone was used to some sort of pain, whether it would be emotional, physical or mental pain that hurt someone a lot. The physical pains, obviously, would always be the easiest to get through, a prick on the finger, stepping on a broken glass, it was all going to be easy to get over because all you had to do was put some antiseptic on and your cut would heal in a matter of days or few moments even depending on how harsh the cut was. Mental and emotional pain was the worst pain a person could go through though, something that was related to your emotions was always horrible. Going through pain was something that no one was ever used to, feeling a person rip apart your heart into several fragments was as painful as having someone stab but the difference was severe. You’d either die or get over the scars you received from the stab in the heart but the emotional pain, the heart break that you received; those scars would never be gone no matter how much you told a person that you forgot about it.

In fact, a human never forgot anything that had hurt them before, sure they said they did, sure they never bring it up and sure sometimes they may not even remember at all, but it’s there. The memory of being hurt is right at that back of a person’s mind, locked away and only pulled out when a proper crying fest is in order, when a person thinks that they have nothing worth to live for anymore and decide to cry their hearts out; pain was always horrible. Suicide was one of the events that pain led to, so everyone could actually see how much horror pain could actually cause; enough horror could cause someone to kill themselves, enough horror could cause someone to mutilate their bodies with scars…pain was just nasty.

Pain was what he was feeling as every word Anouk spoke shattered his heart into millions and millions of pieces over and over again. Pain was what he was feeling as her harsh tone pierced through his mind as if she meant to hurt him, but he knew he deserved it. With everything that he had done, everything he had said in the heat of the moment, in the anger, he deserved everything that she was throwing his way. He had no right to be upset and sulky and let her take the blame from him because it was his fault. The slap was just the icing of the pain that she was throwing his way but he didn’t mind it, sure it had surprised him, thrown him off balance and made him wonder as to how she could actually do it, but after he had spoken, after she had a few moments to realize what she had done, he knew he had deserved it all. He had caused her pain, he, he who knew what it was like to have pain go through your body. He who knew how much heart break was, especially when his own mother died, he was the one who had caused pain to Anouk and he deserved every little sting that she wanted him to feel because he was sure it was meant to be for him. Shaking his head, he didn’t lift his head up but sighed inaudibly. “Don’t. Don’t even think about blaming yourself for this, you always do that. By trying to make me feel better you put yourself down and I don’t want you to do that, I deserve every thing that you’re throwing my way, so don’t apologise…”

Kissing her made him feel like he was in another world, they were taking this argument way too far and he didn’t want himself to dig up anything more horrible than he already had. Looking down at her pale tear stained face, he held her around the waist, one arm encircled her entirely and he kept her close as she carried on speaking. “You’re not losing me Anouk, I love you too much mi amour, and I am too selfish that I don’t want to let you go at all…” Putting his other arm around her, he hugged her tightly, nuzzling his face into his neck as he inhaled her scent in.

tagged// anouk
word count// 734
thoughts// ^^

[anouk lirienne fournier]

Every single word she had said, every single one of them, had shattered her heart a bit more. Hurting Alexei was like hurting herself, and not in the way Anouk had been doing in the past months. The pain she had gone through had been self inflicted and tolerable only if he wasn’t getting hurt because of it. Now she was the one causing him pain and breaking his heart, there was no way she could hate herself more, even if he deserved it, even if the words had been so true, she would rather lie and take the blame and the pain and eat her feelings than having Alexei made a face like that one again. That’s why she was placing herself the blame again and because she had hit him, something Anouk never imagined she would do, not even a light slap like that, she was feeling even worst. Alex won’t even look at her, but it wasn’t as if she could blame him for not doing so. She couldn’t even stand herself right at the moment, there was no way she could ask that of him. “Look at me.” She said, her voice broken by his words, her tears and both his pain and hers. “Look at me Alexei.” She demanded this time, taking his face between her hands rubbing softly the spot where she had slapped him, wincing in pain; she kissed it once, twice, even a third time, so softly like a butterfly posing on a flower. “You don’t deserve it.” There was fiery determination in her eyes when she looked at him, desire of fixing things, erasing his pain, trying to fix what it had been broken inside him because of her own idiocy. “You had given me the world, you had given me reasons to be breathing and alive. You’ve saved me.”

It didn’t matter how much pain the whole thing had brought her, how much she had gone through because he had given her so much more, it was impossible for her to just leave him bleeding and much less because of her own words. Anouk would do anything to erase that, and when said anything she meant it. “Don’t you dare believing otherwise, don’t you dare thinking you are not enough, or that you are putting me in so much pain.” She could say hurtful things in the heat of the moment, things that were meant to keep buried deep inside her. So what if he hurt her sometimes? So what if she had gone and still was in such pain because of him? He gave her more than enough, he filled her. “You are the reason I am even trying to keep alive Alex, you give me so much more. I hate myself for doing this to you, I really do. I should have kept my mouth shut, and I didn’t mean any of that.” Anouk hoped that would get registered on his brain, she hoped it will fix the unintended damage and stop the fight. Of course the kiss, the way his arms were around her waist and how he was supporting her weight to lift her from her feet, and the fact that whenever their lips touched all her wounds seemed to heal at once, helped a lot. Their kissed had gone from sweet to passionate along the time they had been dating; sometimes they would go sweeter, other times passion got over them. This held a lot of different emotions and was fierce, as if they wanted to reach the other soul with it.

He hold her just as she had asked of him, tonight Anouk was going to let go of him, she was prolly going to stay awake all night looking at his angelic face while he slept, keeping a firm hold of his hand to make sure he wasn’t going to vanish in front of her eyes. “I love you too, to the point I am totally bend under your power, to the point I won’t ever be able to love someone else if it comes to that, to the point losing you is losing myself.” She was so sure, she was clinging to him for dear life, with such strength she doubted he would be able to push her away even if he wanted to, if she took a step back and saw again that pain in his eyes all that was left of her, the pieces she had been fixing one by one since she tried to kill herself, al the fights against herself to keep on living, would be gone to waste because she would pretty much abandon herself to the pain, if she let go, she was going to lose herself.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 791
NOTES, this is way much better.

[alexei leon fournier]

He didn’t know that Anouk was hurting herself with each word that she was throwing his way, because truly, those words were only meant to hurt him not herself or not anyone else, it was his entire fault; everything was his entire fault but Anouk never wanted him to think of it that way even though she did. When someone said girls were difficult to understand they were right, because now it was difficult to understand what Anouk wanted. Did she want to hurt him or did she not? At first she did when she hurt him harshly with everything she said, when she slapped him and made him feel like a worthless coward but now it seemed as if she didn’t want to hurt him. Now she was trying to make him feel better, now she wanted him to not think of it in any way as his fault, she wanted him to look at her and let her apologise even though she had no right to. She didn’t have to apologise to him at all because he was an idiot, he was ruining this and he was the coward that she called him to be. He shook his head when she ordered him to look at her, he couldn’t really do that, he had failed her as a boyfriend and as a lover. But the second time she spoke was more demanding than the first and his head was lifted up by her hands, he bit his lip, looking away for a second before locking eyes with her as she kissed the place where she had slapped him once, she kissed him three times and he let out an inaudible hiss on the first go. He wanted to argue with her, wanted her to know that it wasn’t him who had saved her but Cass, but he didn’t want to either, but his morals wouldn’t let him go; he had to do the right thing. “It wasn’t me...” His voice was choked up, his words breaking off towards the end before he coughed to pick things up. “It was Cass, while I stood there like a moppet he saved you, you should have been with him.” Shaking his head, he closed his eyes, letting out a sigh and leaning his head against her palm that was pressed against his cheek.

He didn’t want her to erase the pain that he felt because he did deserve it and he had no idea how he could drill that into her mind, sure he felt horrible, horrible that he was an idiot, horrible that he was a coward but that was life and he would have to deal with it all. He let out a pained face as she spoke and held her hand in his, his hands were freezing and he rubbed them against Anouk’s own icy hands to create some friction between them. A few colourless wisps of breath left his mouth as the day drew on and became colder. “If I’[m the cause of the tears in your eyes, if I’m the cause for the pain that you feel because of the withdrawals and the horrible words I say, then it’s obvious that I’m not enough for you Anouk, how can you even want me when I do this to you? I know you love me but you have to put yourself first before me, I may be your life, but everything about you has to come first sweetheart.” He was earnest about this, he knew to what extent her love and admiration went for him,, but in a relationship she had to put herself first and then the relationship, then her love for Alexei, then their entire touches, it would always have to be like that and right at that very moment she was only putting their relationship forward and not herself’ it was making him feel horrible. “You mean I should have kept my mouth shut, if I did there would be no reason for us to argue all the time...we should leave it though, I know we’re going to go back and forth with this argument, but I just want you to know that I love you, that you mean so much to me and even though I promise so much to you, this is one promise that I will definitely keep, that I’ll become more confident, for myself as well as our relationship. I will never hurt you again.”

Smiling he nuzzled into her, his nose touching her neck as his fast breathing slowed down little by little, his tears were damp now and there was nothing falling from his eyes because everything was going well. “I love you so much, I know you bend under me so much, so I want you to make me a promise, promise me that you’ll start putting yourself first, I don’t care if you don’t want to, but I want you to do this, not for yourself but for me. If you want to drink you can drink, even if it’s in my view, in my room ,I don’t care, do whatever you want, you have to have some fun once in a while.”

tagged// anouk
word count// 867
thoughts// =)

[anouk lirienne fournier]

Anouk had a real bad temper, like really bad if someone pressed her wrong, she had never cared one little bit about saying things to your face and don’t expect her to sugarcoat it for you. But for Alexei she was always trying not to show it, eating her own tempter and biting her tongue, always providing him plenty of excuses so he wouldn’t have to blame himself. She blamed it all on her; she supported the weight and tried as hard as she could for him not feel bad, even if that meant hurting herself for it. Not only in her relationship but in her whole life he always came first, always. Anouk had never meant to hurt him, it kind of rolled off her tongue as her temper took the best of her and when she saw his face reality hit her hard followed by regret and pain. So once she could get a hold of temper she tried to place the blame again on herself, eating her pride and her words one by one, just for him not to make that face again. It was partly her fault too, for not noticing before what was hurting him, for not paying enough attention as to know he was feeling that way toward the guys that surrounded her life, though she had never really flirted back consciously. Anouk had tried her best to make him happy, to make him comfortable to make sure he wouldn’t regret getting together, but she was human and she couldn’t control everything, there was always something that will get pass her steel control and this had been one of those things. At first Alexei didn’t want to look at her so she had to force him to do, his next words were as sharp as a knife, cutting her very deep.

She didn’t let that show, she took a deep breath and kept her eyes on him, determination had always been one of her stronger points and right now it was just what she needed. “Cass would have acted faster than you, and maybe he saved me physically. But my physical pain wasn’t was killing me Alexei, and it was you the reason I fought back, it was your voice I heard, your face the one I saw, it was you who gave me the strength I needed to not let myself go.” Anouk closed her eyes, tired, a slight headache pressing the back of her mind fighting to break through. She enjoyed how Alex’s hands felt but pain was clouding the emotions and his words were making it difficult for her to fix things. “Relationships are not perfect Alexei, I am all up for taking whatever I have to take. I didn’t expect us to be perfect and I didn’t expect you to be either.” She shook her head, pain in her features, why did he have to be so damn stubborn? If he kept it that way she will end up saying things she will regret. Anouk wasn’t going to give up but sometimes when Alexei was determined to just make things difficult she wished she could. “You are always going to come first, get over it already.” He was going to be first because without him she wouldn’t exist, she would be an empty shell, a walking corpse and nothing would ever have sense for her anymore. It didn’t matter to her how much she had to suffer to keep him besides her, it was nothing compare to what she would suffer if he ever left.

Not that she was planning on telling him that though, because if he ever decided to do so Anouk would have to put a good front for him and act as if nothing was wrong. But acting was that, just pretending and inside she will be dead and when alone she won’t have to pretend. “You are already perfect Alexei, and we are both going to get hurt in this relationship, a lot. But I’ll try for you not to, as much as possible. I put a lot of pressure into you, I tried to change you without realizing it, I do not want that Alex. You should be able to take as much as you want to face this, I know it’s easy to handle it, I shouldn’t have pressure you.” She was happy to see things were at least fixing because she wouldn’t be able to handle herself if she ever hurt him again that deeply, she will throw herself off a bridge than saying that again or slapping him, she smiled as she felt his nose in her neck and shivered, it was her weak point as he well knew. “I can’t promise you that, and I won’t. Bt I promise you I’ll love you forever more, for the rest of my life.”

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 811
NOTES, aww fixing things =').