never for the fashion | wesley

[tommas ugo renda]

There were some things in life that affected Tom more than he'd like to admit. His family, for instance. He loved them with all his heart, but they put too much stress on his shoulders, and were the main reason that he was constantly crying himself to sleep lately. He'd always tried to be tough, and blend in with the people that he loved the most, but when he was actually presented with a job.. he just couldn't do it. Tommas wasn't prepared to kill someone. Physically, sure. He had all the skills that he needed, and even though Lexin was much more trained than the Italian was, Tom could probably take him down with the help of the other people that had been sent to kill him. But emotionally, he just couldn't do it. He was a wreck these days, drinking every other night and crying when he was alone. The other mafia members weren't any help, because he just couldn't tell them what he was thinking without possibly getting in trouble. Hannibal wasn't any help, because he couldn't tell the prince what he was thinking without possibly being killed. So where did that leave him? Alone in his thoughts, and that wasn't a good place for someone like Tom to be.

The only thing that kept him from ending his life was Wesley, to be honest. Wesley had stuck with him through the personality shift, and even though the younger man wasn't aware of it, he'd been there through most of the hard things going on in Tom's life. Tom wasn't really sure how he felt about Wesley, but he knew that the writer was definitely the most important thing in his life, some way or another. That put Wesley in danger, though, which Tom couldn't stand. He'd struck a deal with Nikolai – a Russian mobster, of all people – to have someone follow Wesley around and keep him safe, which helped him sleep at night, but not by much. It was impossible for him to have anyone in his life without hurting them, and he couldn't stand to see Wesley lying dead on the ground. It was a possibility that he refused to think about, though these days, the likelihood of it happening was quite high. There was no surefire way to keep him safe, which Tom hated more than anything right now. When it came to Wes, he'd kill anyone if he had to, just to make sure that the person he adored could live a happy life. The one thing he couldn't do, however, was cut all contact with Wesley, which was the only realistic way to keep him out of harm's way. It was hard to work around that, but he was somehow managing it. Or at least, he was trying to.

In some part of his mind, Tommas had always known that there was no such thing as blissful ignorance. If Wesley wasn't aware that Tom was in the mafia, their relationship or whatever it was would just be harder for both of them. Tom was obviously keeping secrets, and he knew that Wesley had picked up on that, one way or another. It just made things tense between them, so after weeks of thought, he'd finally decided to tell him. He'd checked with his family, and they had said it was okay, on the normal conditions. Those being that if Wesley freaked out or tried to run or couldn't accept it, Tom would have to kill him then and there. He wasn't sure that he could do that, but.. it was better than this relationship that was hanging on a thread, wasn't it? He'd find some way to deal with it if he had to, but he was betting on the fact that Wesley would be able to accept it. If he wouldn't, Tom could just kill himself too. That wouldn't be too bad, would it? The lack of thoughts was what he had been wanting for a while now, and it was hard to pull himself out of his house every morning. Dancing helped a bit, but not much. Suicide was the easy way out, no matter how pathetic it would seem to other people. It would be his choice, and after he was gone, he wouldn't be able to care about what other people thought about him. But once again, that was something that he would just have to hope against.

Maybe it was the fact that what people thought really did affect him that made this relationship so hard on him. The fact that he was in the mafia made it hard for both of them, but another factor was that Tom was known for sleeping around. The reputation had a basis these days, but when Tommas and Wesley had first met, it had been an unjust rumor. He had been a sweetheart then, and wouldn't hurt anyone for the world, but relationships had been tough for him. He could never introduce his boyfriends to his family, and therefore, most of his relationships had ended within a week. He'd never been able to tell anyone the real reason, and so he'd earned the reputation of a heartbreaker. Someone who slept around, partied, picked people up and left them by the road when he was tired of them. He hadn't been, really. Back then, he hadn't even been that into drinking, like he was now. He'd met Wesley at a party though, and the only reason that they hadn't ended up in bed together was that.. well, for one, Wesley probably wouldn't have wanted to sleep with him. But even if he had, Tom hadn't been such a manwhore back then. He may have been seen as one, but he'd rarely gotten drunk, and it was a miracle if he ended up in a stranger's bed.

Things were different now, though. He'd really lived up to his reputation, but for some reason, he knew that he'd be able to give that up for Wesley. Giving up drinking would be a lot harder, but he could work on that.. he'd do anything to make Wesley stay with him, to be honest. Even with that said, he still had to take a deep breathe before ringing the doorbell to the younger man's house. Wesley wasn't just going to be arm candy, like so many other people had been for Tom. He had slept with people for the freedom, and he had ended up in a cage. It had never been for the fashion of a reputation as a manwhore, but it had ended up that way, even if he hadn't wanted it to be. Old habits were hard to break, and he was going to snap them in half today. Especially his habit of keeping secrets...

1135 words
and i just have to say that this is going to be awesome

[michael alexander cecil]

days had been tough for wesley lately. his self esteem had been past rock bottom, if that's even possible, and it was almost like the bullies in the school had been able to pick up on that. before, when wesley had been close to tommy, he had felt invincible, and bullies had started to keep a distance, but lately tommy had seemed distant, and in turn wesley became slightly depressed. he had known that tommy had change quite a bit from when they had first met in italy, but he hadn't ever thought that tommy would force wes out of his life. so here he was standing in his living room, listening to johnny cash's you are my sunshine. just earlier today wes had agreed to go over to tommy's, but he liked that they were going to be here instead of over at his. that min guy was good company if he was in a good mood, but wes was uneasy about him. there was something weird about the way that tommy was when he was around that company. it was almost like tommy was scared or on edge. whatever it was, wes did not like it one bit, because it was keeping a secret between the two of them. wes wasn't the type to assume what was going on either, because he didn't believe in jumping to conclusions, even if half the time he was right.

"blah blah blah," wes shouted at his record that was playing, and walked back toward his bedroom. he took off his shirt and looked through his closet to find a nice looking one. he felt like dressing up for tommy today. he grabbed a nice black dress shirt, and then went to his long mirror, still holding the shirt. he glanced at the gauze on his arm, and automatically decided that he would clean his cuts before he put the shirt on. he set his shirt on the bed, and walked to the bathroom, grabbing cleaning alcohol and wash rags, rubbing it over his cut on his arm. after he was done with cleaning it, he stared at his arm, reading over and over again what he had carved into it: perfect. wes put some more gauze over it so that it would stay clean, and then went back to his room. he put on his nice shirt, and the some cologne on top of it.

there was a knock at his door, and wes shot out of his room, pulling up his suddenly drooping pants. fuck. he thought to himself as he pulled them up, hiding his bright green boxers. why had he picked something so bright today? as soon as he got to the door, he opened it and smiled when he looked at tommy. there was a sorrow in tom's eyes, but wes decided to ignore it for now, because there was time to talk about it in a few moments, and then embraced tom in a hug. there was a time in wes's life when he hadn't felt safe anywhere he was, but that had vanished when he had started to hang around tom. tom was always so protective of wes that he never had to feel unsafe.

wes took a step back from tommy and looked up at him, a big smile written all over his face. "hey tomboy." he joked and then walked back into his apartment, and looked around. "sorry the place is a mess. there was too much to clean up." he looked to his right where his record was playing, having forgotten about it, and quickly walked over to shut it off. most people didn't listen to things like johnny cash, but wes loved him. there was so much truth in the words that he spoke. that's what wes loved in music was the passion in the words, because then you knew that what the person was saying actually happened to the singer. "would you like anything to drink?" wes asked tommy, walking toward the kitchen, intending to get himself a pop to calm his nerves. for some reason that had always worked for wes. pop never made his nerves on edge. honestly, pop put him to sleep.

as soon as he got back into the living room, he sat down on the only couch he had, and patted the spot next to him, indicating that he wanted tommy to sit next to him. he had gone long enough without tom being around him, so wes wanted as much closeness with tommy as possible. but wes was an attention whore when he was around tommy sometimes, so that was probably why he had felt neglected. wes looked over to tommy and said "tommy, i want to talk to you about something." and then wes got the cold sweats. suddenly he was more nervous in his life than he had ever been. he couldn't hold it in anymore. "i love you." and there it was. the truth that he had been holding in for so long. something that he had wanted to say for the longest time.

now wes felt like he was going to pass out. suddenly the walls started to come inward toward him. he couldn't breath. for a second he was panicked that he was going to die. he hadn't had a panic attack in so long, and now that he was having one, he didn't know what to do. within a couple seconds, his panic attack was gone. with eyes that showed nothing but love for tom, he met tommy's eye contact, waiting.

tag; tommy/vince
listening to; perfect by pink
notes; here we go ^^

[tommas ugo renda]

Why did Wesley have to be so cute? The hug coaxed a small smile out of Tom, but it didn't reach his eyes. How could it, when he was so nervous? If this didn't go well, someone was going to die, even if it was Tom putting a gun to his own head. Of course, Tommas could always just lie and say that he had come to talk about other things, but where would that put their relationship? It was steadily going downhill, and the only way of getting it back up was to spill his secrets. That could also make it all explode and end up killing someone, but hey, it was better than drifting away from Wesley... wasn't it? Leaving him would be painful, but honestly, wouldn't that be better than the risk of hurting Wesley even more? Well, it wasn't his style, but he'd just have to go with the flow today. If it seemed dangerous to tell Wesley, then he wouldn't do it. Sure, he also refused to cut off contact with Wesley, but maybe he'd find a way to make this work out and still keep Wesley in the dark. It seemed unlikely, but whatever.

Maybe there was another option out there. So far, he'd been tying together 'tell Wesley' and 'be in a relationship', but what if they could just stay friends, and Wesley could still know? Tom would enjoy that, but Wesley might not... The only problem Tommas had with a relationship was that he would have to give up too much. He'd have to cut down on drinking and partying, give up his habit of sleeping around, and be careful with Wesley if they ever had sex, but that was unlikely. ”Hey, it's fine,” he said, smiling as Wesley said that his house was a mess. Tom's flat was much more messy, so this was all neat and orderly in his mind. ”It's not fair if you call me Tomboy and I don't have any awesome nicknames for you. Help me think of something?” Even if something was eating at his gut, he could still at least try to act like his normal self, right? Being around Wesley calmed him down, but simultaneously put him on edge. Tommy didn't see how that was possible, but it was happening, and he wasn't the type to doubt something that he could touch or feel.

He watched Wesley as he turned the music off and walked to the kitchen, focused on not messing up. Honestly, he hadn't really been listening to the music, and couldn't recognize the song in the few seconds that he actually paid any attention to it. ”You're so polite,” he said, giving a real smile that pushed his lip ring into his cheek. It was amazing how cute Wesley could be when he didn't even mean to. Tommas was assuming that he didn't mean to, at least. Wesley didn't seem like the type of person that would turn on the charm just because he wanted to impress someone like Tom, but he could be wrong. ”But no, I'm fine. Not thirsty.” Tom would have asked for alcohol if he'd thought that Wes had it in his house, but that was even more unlikely than Wesley purposely being adorable. Anyway, he needed to keep his head clear, so no alcohol. As for why he denied anything else to drink? He hadn't been lying when he'd said that he simply wasn't thirsty. It was a good enough excuse for most people, especially when it rang with truth and honestly wasn't an excuse. Right?

Tom happily obliged when Wesley gestured for him to sit on the couch, folding his feet underneath him on the couch like kindergarten students did when it was story time or something. He'd already taken his shoes off, so it wasn't like he was getting the couch dirty or something. Wesley probably wouldn't mind if he did, but it was still hammered into his mind to be polite. His manners didn't show up often, but they were still there, somewhere in him. He was just about to open his mouth to say something when Wesley spoke instead, surprising him. Tom had experience in controlling his face, though, so the shock didn't register. ”Yeah?” he asked quietly, continuing to watch Wesley. When Wes actually told him that he loved him, though, the shock shone through quite clearly. ”I..” he started, closing his eyes. How in hell could he say this without offending the most important person in his world? It was simple, he couldn't. Unless he lied or left out information that Wesley needed to know, he was going to end up offended, however mildly. ”I love you too,” he said, shifting so his legs were folded underneath him, and he was facing Wesley.

But after having said that, Tommas knew that he needed to clarify things. He couldn't have a happy ending with anyone, both because of his personality and because of what he was. There would be no white doves flying around them, no perfect kiss, no white lace spelling out 'the end' over their heads. Tommas had to tell Wesley that they couldn't have a relationship, and that was exactly what he did, his eyes open once again and his face deadly serious. ”I love you, and you're the most important person in the world to me. But I can't do this.” He placed his hand comfortingly on Wesley's knee, averting his eyes. ”I'm not ready for any sort of relationship. I don't think I ever will be, but please don't hate me for it.” No, Tom couldn't deal with Wesley hating him. That alone would be reason enough to kill himself, though he was pretty sure that someone would stop him from shooting himself if that was his only reason. He wasn't going to make it worse by telling Wesley that he couldn't bear to be tied down, or that he still needed to drink and sleep around. That would be like digging his own grave, honestly.

”This is going to sound so stupid and cliché, but... can we still be friends?” Tom was practically begging now, because leaving Wesley was a living hell. He wouldn't be able to do that. ”If the answer to that is yes,” he continued, cutting off whatever Wesley might have been saying, ”There's something that I really need to tell you, and you have to promise that you won't freak out and run away.” Because then people would die, and that was something that Tommas was avoiding at all costs. ”I know that you know that I haven't been telling you something, and I'm sorry. I can fix that. But don't panic on me.”

1123 words
and i just have to say that tom's pathetic, isn't he?

[michael alexander cecil]

wesley's heart broke. there was no other way to explain how he felt right now. his heart hurt beyond words, knowing that tom didn't want to be in a relationship with him. tom doesn't want to be with me wes thought to himself, and he felt his heart crumble. he could feel the tears form in his eyes, but wesley did everything that he could to hold them in. he kept resorting back to tommy telling him that he loved him. he wanted to take that, wrap himself up in it, and live with that all to himself. he didn't want to be with anyone but tommy. the pain inside felt like tommy was breaking up with wes. "no." wesley managed to squeak out, bringing his legs up to his chest, and wrapping his arms around his knees. fear started to grip at wesley's chest. what was he going to do? he couldn't stand the thought of living without tommy, but he didn't want to just be friends. he didn't know if he could deal with that anymore.

before tommy could speak again, wesley blindly walked back toward the kitchen, the sudden feeling of numbness and defeat filling him from head to toes. he went to set the can of pop on the counter, but it didn't stay standing. the brown liquid overflowed out of the pop can and onto the counter, and wes just stood there and stared at it. watched it slowly run down the side of the counter and onto the floor right next to his foot. strangely enough, wes being a bit of a neat freak when it came to his kitchen, he just let it stay there. wes turned to his left to head toward the fridge to get a new pop when the bottle of pills caught his eye. he studied them, suddenly feeling like they were the answer to all of his problems. he had always thought that he would cut his way out, but why waist time? pills would be just as good as cutting. as long as he's gone from the world.

wesley picked up the pills, automatically opening the bottle. he eyed the round antidepressants that he used to take, and he knew what he wanted to do. he went to reach in the bottle for the pills when suddenly his phone shrieked to life in the other room. the phone seemed to snap wesley out of his trance, and he set the bottle of pills down next to the lid. he quickly walked back into the room to grab his phone, but it had already gone to voicemail by the time he had gotten to it. he sat down on the couch again, finally acknowledging the request that tommy had said to wesley. "okay tommy. i'll listen." that was all he was going to give him, because quite frankly, wesley didn't know if he wanted to stay friends with tommy. there was always going to be that awkwardness between them. wesley brought his hands up to cover his face and then let out a long sigh. tonight wasn't going as planned. at all.

wesley's phone shrieked to life again, and he apologized to tommy. he knew that it had to be annoying. he reached over and grabbed it, flipped it open, because he despised touch screens, and said "hello?" without looking at who was calling. wesley rubs his now tired eyes, and listened to the voice on the other end. "wesley?" it asked, and automatically he knew that it was quinten. a guy that he had a huge crush on before he had met tommy. "hey quin, can you make it quick? i'm a little busy right now." and then the next part he wasn't expecting. "wesley, my father passed away." wesley froze, and pictured the older guy that he had known for so long. "oh my god quin, are you okay?" wes asked, and suddenly gripped his hair. he knew that quin had already lost his mother. "yeah i just wanted to tell you so you could come to his funeral. i'd really appreciate if you did." wesley sighed on the inside and nodded his head "that's no problem quin. i'll catch you later." they both said goodbye and wes hung up. he looked over at tommy and nodded his head, indicating that he was all ears now.

something in wesley softened when he looked at tommy, and wesley automatically reached over and touched his knee, hoping that they could make it through all of this. he knew that on occasion it would hurt wesley, but at this point he really didn't care. he had stuck through it all with tommy until now, why not even longer? "i love you tommy. i'm all ears." he said to tommy, knowing that if he got a phone call saying that tommy was dead, he would be devastated. he wasn't going to stop being friends with tommy. life was too short for that.. right?

tag; tommy/vince
listening to; hate me by blue october
notes; well his emotions were all over in this D8

[tommas ugo renda]

Heartbreak wasn't something that Tom was used to feeling. He wasn't even that used to making others feel it, because everyone he had a fling with knew that he never stayed around for long. It wasn't like everyone knew him specifically, but it was kind of obvious that he wasn't the type to get into serious relationships. Most people could pick up on that, and the people that he slept with were normally exactly the same way. He was in it for the pleasure, not the emotions or the love. Yeah, it was easy to see just by the way he carried himself during parties, so why hadn't Wesley picked up on it? Had he honestly thought that Tommas was going to be ready for a relationship? They'd known each other forever, but they'd just been.. friends. Even with all the complications in their lives, they'd stuck together, and it had only just gotten a little more dangerous. Tom couldn't bear to see Wesley being hurt, though. It was why he protected him from bullies when he could and tried his best to give Wesley's self esteem a boost. Until recently, the idea of actually hurting Wesley himself had never crossed his mind. But then the job, and he technically had some enemies that would go after Wesley if he fucked anything up.. yeah, this was dangerous in more than just an emotional way.

Maybe that was why when Wesley said that they couldn't be friends, Tom experienced his first heartbreak. No, it didn't feel nice, not at all. When Wesley got up and left the room, Tom could only quietly watch him leave, considering leaving himself. He didn't know a thing about Wesley's cutting, or his depression, or whatever else, just as Wesley didn't know anything about Tom being in the mafia. And now that Tom was beginning to emotionally shut down, Wesley wasn't ever going to know about it. That would be safer for him, right? He hadn't wanted to cut off contact with Wesley before, because he hadn't wanted to hurt him by just suddenly and inexplicably severing the friendship that they'd had for three years, but now? Well, Wesley was already hurt, wasn't he? Tommas had tried to avoid that, but it looked like he had failed, and what better time to leave than now? Tom had been taught never to waste an opportunity. Sure, it would probably also hurt him if he left, but he was already starting to get numb. Numb wasn't good for business, but hey, at least he was thinking of business. Wesley had been distracting him from his job, so maybe it really would be better to leave.. but it would be hell to never see Wesley again. Or to see him with someone else. No, Tom couldn't deal with that, but hadn't everyone told him that it was better?

Cut off all contact or protect him for the rest of his life. That was what Nikolai had said Tom's options were, and he hadn't liked them at the time. He still didn't like them, really. There may have been a third option, but then Wesley had said that he loved Tom, and now there really wasn't. There was no longer any option of blissful ignorance, or telling him but not getting in a relationship with him. He was going to have to tell him and bring him into his own world – and kill him if he didn't want to be brought into that world – or leave. When his options were that clearly laid out in front of him, and he was sober, his choice was kind of obvious. He couldn't just disappear, though. He wasn't going to just stand up and leave while Wesley was in the kitchen, because no matter how many times he had done that to get away from his family, he couldn't just leave Wesley in that fashion. He was about to stand up and go looking for Wesley, but then Wesley's phone rang, and he stopped. Unless Wesley was more upset than Tom had guessed, he'd come back into this room, and Tom wouldn't have to go hunting for him. And if he was more upset than Tom had estimated? Well, then it would probably be best for him to leave without saying anything. Sure enough, though, Wesley came back into the room.

The writer ignored his phone, though, which confused Tom until he spoke again. Shit. He hadn't actually expected Wesley to want to listen to him after being so upset.. or maybe he hadn't been upset in the first place? Tom might have been worse at reading people than he had thought, which was actually likely, judging on how messed up he was in the first place. ”I, uh,” he started, just before Wesley's phone rang again. He nodded when Wesley apologized, watching him throughout the whole call. It wasn't his business who was calling, so he didn't try to guess about anything from Wesley's reactions. The important thing was that when it was over, Wes didn't seem upset. But he'd already decided to leave, and now emotion was just clouding his judgment again.. Maybe this was why he was such a failure at his job. He was overly emotional, always letting caring and love cloud his vision. Love was like being drunk; it impaired your judgment. Hadn't he told Nikolai that? Well, now he had proof. No wonder he was always so confused when Wesley and the mafia crossed paths in his head. He was two completely different people, and they didn't get along.

A few days ago, he would have had no problem wrapping Wesley in a hug or giving him a kiss on the cheek while he spoke. Now, he could just put his hand over the one Wesley had placed on his knee. Were their boundaries any different now that they'd told each other how they felt? He didn't know, and he didn't want to test it right now. ”Wes..” he started again, frowning when he realized how hard it was to talk. What was different from now and before? Goddammit, this was why he avoided feelings. They made everything complicated, and he didn't understand why. Sure, he was overly emotional, but that was centered around himself. It was almost as if he was in an abusive relationship, but.. he was the only once involved. Tom was both the abuser and the victim, and even though he'd been through a lot when he focused on himself, he just didn't know how to deal with his feelings for other people. Touching made things easier, so he wrapped his arms around Wesley's waist again, resting his cheek against the shorter boy's shoulder. ”You're the most important person in my world. But I can't talk about this now, okay? I need to sort some things out first.” Yeah, like his feelings and Lexin.. Well, whatever. With that and a small kiss on Wesley's cheek, he was up and gone.

1169, LOL, THE IRONY words
and i just have to say that are we stopping here?