Post by anouk lirienne fournier on Jan 31, 2012 9:43:03 GMT -5
A DIARY OF A. L. FOURNIER
[/color]i've been roaming around always lookin down at all i see. painted faces fill the
places i can't reach. you know that i could use somebody you know that i could
use somebody someone like you and all you know and how you speak countless
lovers undercover of the street you know that i could use somebody you know
that I could use somebody someone like you off in the night while you live it up i'm
off to sleep waging wars to shake the poet and the beat I hope it's gonna make
JANUARY THIRTY-ONE 2012[/color][/center]
I've never been one of writing down the things on my life, maybe because up until now nothing was worth mention. Anyway, I need to put my thoughts in order and this is the best way I thought of.
I feel as if I'm lying to Alexei all along, and maybe it's because I really did. Yesterday I told him I had thought of leaving with my father to Solomon Islands, the place he is moving to with his flamant wife, whatever. What I didn't tell him is that I had all figured out already and I was indeed leaving without saying a word to him. If I told him he wouldn't have let me go, give up on us. But it's not giving up, it's giving him the chance to live happily with someone else that can actually make him happier than me.
I told him yesterday all I do is hurt him but he said I hurt him more by leaving and honestly, what will I do without him? Still I have my doubts about staying, he seemed really happy to keep me and the more I look to the ring the less I want to leave. But I am really ready to get married? I've been acting all weird and awkward around him since my father called and it's because a lot of doubts crossed my mind.
I can't live without him, but should I destroy his happiness just because I can't get away from him? I love him so much I hurt him and I hurt myself in the process too, just fighting for everything, making trouble, causing havoc... I've never been one of compromising, of getting all serious let alone marrying! And I don't know if it was because from the start I knew I couldn't be with Alex or because it's my nature. Well when I was with my father back when I was fifteen... I've always been like this, it just kind of magnified when I fell in a hopeless love.
I don't know if I'm ready to marry, but I don't want to give up. I love him... I've always loved him so maybe this is the right thing to do, maybe I should just shut up my mind and go along with this all because he seems really happy with us marrying and I'm really happy living here with him in this apartment. It's just like being married already, it feels great and different and we are free to do whatever we want to when we want to.
I guess I'm just terrified of the idea of being tied down in case something doesn't go the way it should.
with love,
- - - anouk[/i][/color][/font][/size][/blockquote]
