yellow diamond · ila

[ila angelique blanche]

ILA A. BLANCHE

EVERYTHINGYOUWANTEDTOKNOW
ANDMORE.

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made by emmy at caution.

[ila angelique blanche]

DEARJOURNAL,

I'm pregnant, I just got the positive in the test. I'm pregnant. He doesn't know and I'm sure is Michael's. I don't even know how to say it, here I am sitting on the couch of my living, pregnancy test on my hands staring at it as if the result will change and it won't. I bought one of those expensive electronic ones because I wanted the answer to be clear, damn clear it was.

Now I have to think about more important matters, if I tell him, how is he going to react? Good or bad? Is he going to leave? to stay? What to do... I have to tell him or... I can always keep it secret and... no. That's not even an option for now, I don't even want to think about it, I don't even... I don't know what to do, or how to feel. Should I feel happy? Should I feel sad? I'm fucked up, I'm pregnant. I wasn't even ready for this, didn't see it coming. We just hit it off, what is this going to do to our relationship? For christ's sake I just told him I broke up with my ex.

By the way, he won't stop calling, I'm scared of telling Michael about him and his texts and calls, he even left a couple of voice mails in my phone. He didn't take this very well but he should have seen it coming, honestly, he never loved me, I'm just something that looks beautiful holding on his arm. Michael loves e, or so he says, and he treats me like a princess...

This can stop very quickly once he hears about me being pregnant, I'm not even sure I'm ready for this... he told me he saw us getting married, and well in all honesty I didn't think as far of us. I just broke up with my friend and we just met, I wasn't thinking... I was going with the flow and it was a very good one, I feel loved and cared for, protected. Now I'm forced to think, I'm sure I love him... I feel very different with him, i feel really good and natural and I can care less about my manager or the press say about him.

We had been seen in public, my relationship is all over the press, my manager tried to control the damage but honestly, what damage? I don't care if they are all used to me hanging around a handsome photographer and not with someone like Michael, he is perfect for me, absolutely perfect. I love all of him, his tattoos, his hair, the way he dresses and the way he makes me feel, the way he treats me, makes me smile, makes me happy. Press never saw me laugh as much as I'm laughing in that pictures, and I don't care if they think he is a criminal or dangerous, he looks perfectly well with me, for me and that's all I care.

And now I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant and I don't know what's going to happen next.

LOVE,ILA.

[ila angelique blanche]

DEARJOURNAL,

”The beauty and the beast”
That’s the headline of one of those gossip magazines and under it a picture of me and Michael having fun on the park the day we went out for a picnic and a long article about how he wasn’t appropriate for a lady like me and how badass and so and so he looked because of his tattoos and the way he dresses. So what? Seriously? They are not able to see how happy I am with him and all they care about is if he looks good or not by my side which is stupid. Can’t they see my smile? They hadn’t seen me smile like that ever, how I laugh and how happy I look in those pictures.

I bumped into… uh… what was his name… Stefan? Oh yeah, that. Stefan, one of the names in my long list of cheating and we ended up talking about that and about how he will hide Astrid from the press if it did some damage to his reputation. I wouldn’t hide Michael because my personal life is not their business. But to be honest I didn’t plan things to go this way, at all. When I took Michael in I thought he was going to be like Stefan, a name on the list and once he found a place to stay I’ll move on to the next one and forget. Wrong. He fell in love with me and I was so in need for the words he was offering me, for those sweet kisses that said he cares about me and not my body or fame… I was so in need for that I ended up falling too.

Still this is going too fast, it’s crazy. I told him I am pregnant, I can’t even believe I am, it’s just doesn’t feel real. I was so scared he was going to leave but instead he went all happy about it, like I gave him the best present of his life, as if I made him the happiest man on earth. I couldn’t bear lying to him, I told him about me cheating on my ex, about who I really am. It’s true I give the public the face of a cold hearted bitch but with the years I started to believe I am and in a way I am. That’s not the point though, the point is; he asked me to marry him before the kid is born and what was I supposed to say? I obviously say yes. I have my doubts, I really do but not when I’m with him, when we are apart it’s when they all creep on me.

I’m happy with him, right? Yes I am, but why it feels like I’m missing something in this equation? Because we are going too fast, me being pregnant, it’s not like I wanted to be a mother. I never thought about being a mother, not with my ex, not with anyone and I never thought this was going to happen to me, but it did and now what I’m going to do? Michael is staying with me so that’s one less worry. I’m going to be happy with him, I’m going to be really happy with him, I know that, but I’m scared, I’m really scared I’m going to cheat on him and also that because we are going too far things will end up falling apart and I’m going to end up alone with a kid and fighting with Michael and my reputation long gone, destroyed. My life, love and dreams all shattered on the floor because we did things in the heat of the moment and didn’t stop thinking about it twice.

But I love Michael, so everything should be alright.

LOVE,ILA.

[ila angelique blanche]

DEARJOURNAL,

Where to start today? That horrible Valentine’s Gossip about me and Michael… First I don’t even know how that gossip whore heard about the information when I only told Michael and… well a close model friend but that’s about it. Not even my manager knows though now everyone does, everyone knows that I’m pregnant and everyone is sticking their nose in my private affairs. My baby is Michael’s, I might be a whore and a cheater but I didn’t sleep with anyone, not even my boyfriend in moths because he was never here, he was out and about too busy for me and now that I broke up with him he won’t let me alone.

He called me today, he is furious, he read the gossip and called me demanding to know if he is the father of the child, he accused me of hiding being pregnant until I found my new ‘toy boy’ and he is demanding a test to know if the child is his or not. The child is not his, I know and he knows and I wasn’t pregnant before, I had my period but what if Michael doubts? He asked me if I was sure the father was he and I am, but what if he is not sure? He seemed so happy with it all… indeed what I am going to do if he decides the child is not his when it is? I’m scared, terrified of talking to him once he gets home. It’s like when I discovered I was pregnant but ten times worst and I don’t know how to get out of this.

First, I don’t believe he was the one who told the gossip whore about me being pregnant, though I didn’t tell him to exactly keep it secret I’m sure he knows I’m not, or I wasn’t, yet ready to tell the world. I don’t know. I don’t want to mess this up, I’m not even sure about this in the first place but I know I don’t need more trouble in it.

Oh and that horrible comment about me gaining weight, so what? I’m going to have a pregnant belly and loads of money for nannies to take care of my child and Michael, is not like I have no chances of going back after my break, which by the way I didn’t tell anyone either. My manager came to me after he read the whole thing demanding to know if I indeed got pregnant and I had to confirm him… he was furious, just like my ex and blamed me for ruining my own career… He said I got pregnant in the worst moment possible, when I had more work and that I will have to work a bit more while my pregnant belly is still not shown but he is of the opinion I’m going to have a hard time coming back if I disappear completely during my break so he says to shown around and talk to the press about my pregnant time and when the baby comes to keep people interested and more work coming my way.

But the point is, my manager is furious, my ex is furious and giving me more trouble and there is a high possibility of Michael being furious too and I’m not sure I can handle this.

LOVE,ILA.