not just to say helo ;; haydn

[gareth nash brace]

He didn't need counseling, Gareth was sure of that. There was nothing wrong with him! Well, he was pretty sure there wasn't... but one of his not-so-close friends had recommended talking to a counselor about his... problems. Did he have problems? Leaning against the wall of one of the hallways and watching the other students pass by him on their way out of the school was just a way of stalling his trip to the counseling rooms. He didn't even know who the counselors in this schools were, anyway. How was he supposed to inform a complete stranger about his life? It almost made him laugh, just almost. He wasn't an open person by any means; if he wasn't ready to pour his heart out to his boyfriend or his family or any of his close friends, he wasn't going to tell a stranger. That was that, and yet everyone still thought he should. Well, except for the source of his problems. Cass. He hadn't told Cass anything yet, not about his problems or about the possible trip to one of the school counselors. It made him feel a little guilty when he kept secrets from the most important person in his life, but whatever. He just had to figure out his thoughts before telling them to anyone.

But weren't counselors supposed to be professional? They were paid to listen to problems, after all. That wasn't what Gareth needed, though. Far from needing it, having someone simply listen and nod along to all his problems would probably just make things worse. He needed advice right now, and he wasn't sure that he knew anyone that could give that to him. But it couldn't hurt to try, right? He was pretty sure that counseling from the school didn't cost anything, and even if it did, he probably had enough money... but that wasn't the point. The point here was that, fine, he gave up, he was going to try talking to someone and see if it helped with anything. The hall was deserted as he turned around and headed back up the stairs to the small group of rooms, all doors labeled with a teacher's name and subject. Only a few of them had counselor written in the small black print, but they were grouped together and easy to find. Most of the offices looked empty, the teachers having left early for whatever teachers did after school. There were only two counselor offices that didn't look lifeless at the moment, and he wasn't sure which one to enter.

Squinting at one of the names, though, something tugged at his memory. Not the last name, but the first name of one of the teachers. Creative writing and counseling. An odd mix of professions, and oddly familiar to Gareth. Right. That guy from the online chat, wasn't it? Haydn, the teacher that had been able to carry a very brief conversation with the photography student. Now, in other cases, that wouldn't have held his attention in the least bit, but the conversation had been in Welsh. Gareth's second language, sure, but the one that seemed most natural to him. And there was a counselor that was able to speak it, even if it was pretty formal and he didn't know much of it. Well, what else could he do that knock softly on the door before opening it, glancing nervously around the small room? It certainly looked like a therapy room with the cushioned chairs and everything, but he wasn't really sure what to do. But Haydn could speak the language that Gareth was most comfortable with, couldn't he? ”Hello?” How was he going to start a conversation like this? ”Haydn? I'm sorry... I guess I should call you Professor Nobel, shouldn't I? Uhm... I'm Gareth. I don't think you would remember me... of course not... but the sign on your door says you're a counselor... and... uh...” It all came out in something close to fluent Welsh, of course. And he wasn't really sure what else to say...

[haydn kristóff nobel]

THE TRUTH COMES OUT IN THE BREAKDOWNS
( • M E M O R I E S M Y G O D T H E S E M E M O R I E S • )

Haydn welcomed busy afternoons as much as he welcomed a calm one. He had to admit though, busy ones helped to keep his mind off things that otherwise would put him to think and end up making him depressed in the long run. This was such an afternoon. Classes were over and the clean stack of papers on his desk, all graded and put in order, left him with little to nothing to do. The office was perfectly clean, all his school work was done and he didn’t have anyone asking for a counseling session at the moment so… what was he supposed to do. Sitting on the leather chair Haydn stared at the window for a moment. The view was quite fantastic, unlike some unlucky professors who were not-so-blessed with a view to the parking lot, Haydn got an office that allowed him to stare at the school’s beautiful gardens all day long. He suspected the big and spacious office he got assigned as soon as he started working as a professor here had to do with the fact that the headmistress knew his pseudonym... his modesty sometimes didn’t let him live with this but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Plus… the office was so cool…

Eyeing his phone Haydn thought of giving Lyn a call and asking her to show him that old bookstore she mentioned the other day. He still wasn’t at odds with the idea of going out and enjoying life in Paris, seeing it was the capital of fashion and he was currently trying to escape from his wife who just happened to be a model. Chances of finding a model in the streets of Paris at random weren’t as high as people wanted to think but still, there was a chance, and Haydn wasn’t ready to risk that. Putting the phone down and dismissing the idea he then considered the idea of just heading home and readying dinner for once. The thought of that was so sad, dinner on his own every day of every month… oh well… it was better than living under the mighty rule of a tyrant wife.

The walk to the clothes stand and to his jacket was interrupted by a soft knock on the door and a student entering. Saved by the bell! Sort of… Anyway, Haydn’s lips instantly curled up into a smile as he saw an escape to his otherwise boring afternoon. The professor was about to return the greeting when he noticed the language spoken wasn’t exactly English or French. “Oh, hello.” It took him a couple seconds to adjust his brain into Welsh-mode but in the end the greeting came in the correct language. The smile that had faded for a second while he tried to adjust his speaking habits returned as the student mentioned his name. “Of course I remember. It’s not like Welsh is exactly common around Paris.” Any thought of leaving was long gone and the possibility of a comfortable chat with a student was certainly a lot more appealing than dinner for one. “Please, please come in.” Haydn’s Welsh was certainly too formal to not notice he wasn’t a native speaker, then again, his English was also pretty formal just as his French and the many other languages he spoke. It came with being raised as a polite gentleman but that was irrelevant right now. “And Haydn is alright. Professor Nobel makes me feel ten years older. But what brings you here? Anything I can help with?” He motioned to one of the seats, not to the small yet cozy living room that was reserved for counseling sessions to the right, but to the equally comfortable seat in front of his desk as he wasn’t exactly sure of what brought Gareth to his office. Experience had taught him that assuming things, especially with students, never led to good results and who knows… maybe he just wanted a good book to read or something like that; plus, Haydn wasn’t good at reading people especially from a single online chat, and he didn’t want to think that everyone who came to him had some sort of problem… that would be rude of him. Anyway, it felt good to have someone to listen to anyway.

THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING OH THOSE MEMORIES
( • A S Y O U S P O K E Y O U R F O R K E D T O N G U E S H O W E D • )

W O R D S • 715
T A G G E D • gareth~
L Y R I C S • memories by lion if ido
T E M P L A T E • PANIC! ITS LAUZ of CAUTION
N O T E S • ^^

[gareth nash brace]

No, Welsh wasn’t at all usual in the city of love, but Gareth was sure that its speakers weren’t limited to the two in this room. ”I’m sure there are a few other students that can speak it…” Gareth wasn’t special in any way, so of course there would be some more people that could learn the same old tricks. Maybe it would have been better to speak in French, the native language of the city, or even English, which everyone seemed to know, but wasn’t counseling supposed to help people get weights off their shoulders? Gareth’s native language was the first thing that came to his lips, and if Haydn could speak it too, then there was no reason to limit himself by forcing himself to speak English or French, the other two languages he knew. Of course, though his English and Welsh were as close as he could get to fluent, he was only in his third year of French classes and nowhere near comfortable with it. Gareth had only come to Paris three years ago, after all, and why would he have any need to learn the language back in Betws-y-coed? No one there spoke French, and neither had he until he had learned that his mother was sending him to a school in France.

Of course, Haydn didn’t seem fluent in the language. Gareth’s Welsh was full of childhood slang and mixed in with some English words, but the professor’s was simply too formal to be his first or even second language. ”I’m sorry… do you want me to speak English? Or French?” It was bad habit of his to put everyone before himself, though he was working on it. Of course, he might have been working too hard, because most of the time he ended up ignoring people. There was just no middle for him, was there? He was either entirely too nice or distant and cold, and it was more likely that he would just go switching between them both for the rest of his life instead of finding a compromise. ”I don’t have to speak Welsh if it makes you uncomfortable…” In Gareth’s mind, it was always best to assume that people were uncomfortable. If they weren’t, then fine, at least he had checked. But what if they were and he didn’t ask? It would just cause people to get even more uncomfortable, and he really didn’t want to upset anyone. He had had enough of that before he started going to school here, and he certainly didn’t need any of it to carry over.

”Well, you’re a teacher… I just thought that it would be better to call you Professor. Sorry,” he said, awkwardly taking a seat in the chair Haydn had indicated. But did Haydn honestly not know what Gareth was here for? He had tried to say it, hadn’t he? He was sure that he had mentioned counseling somewhere in his greeting… but he might not have. It was even harder to say that he needed help a second time. Every time he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out, and a few moments were spent in awkward silence with Gareth nervously chewing on his lip until he managed to say something. Still in Welsh, because he didn’t want anyone that happened to stumble in to understand what he was saying. ”I… w-well… you’re a counselor, right?” He wasn’t sure how to straight out say that he needed counseling, so questions were better. Even if they were repeated questions and Haydn hadn’t understood the first time.

[haydn kristóff nobel]

THE TRUTH COMES OUT IN THE BREAKDOWNS
( • M E M O R I E S M Y G O D T H E S E M E M O R I E S • )

Oh pshhh fail, Haydn was beyond distracted lately. He totally blamed that on those book promises Lynelle tempted him with and also to the fact that he was slowly growing restless inside his cozy apartment but going out and having some decent fun was also out of the question. Haydn still wondered what in the world possessed him to agree to ‘hide’ in Paris when he could’ve easily gone to Africa and no one in the whole world would even dare to think he was there. Oh well, it wasn’t time to think about his own problems anyway, especially when there was a student in front of him. Plus, talking about other people’s problems; or more like letting people talk about their problems, helped to let his mind wander away from his own issues.

From the look in Gareth’s face Haydn could tell there were indeed some issues that needed attention, that and the fact that he just asked (for the second time much to Haydn’s fail) if he was a counselor. Haydn didn’t have a degree, or well, he actually did, but it was on Literature. When he came to the academy though, a few students found it easy to confide in him and soon enough he was asked for appointments that didn’t exactly involve his creative writing class work. Haydn didn’t know why, but it just seemed easy to listen to people and offer a non biased third party point of view. Of course he couldn’t always be right and most of the time he just offered his opinion but he liked to at least try to help. Gareth seemed like a nice kid. He hadn’t heard enough of him to place judgment and Haydn certainly wasn’t the type to set his opinions on people on stone and never change them. He did hear some gossip going around concerning Gareth and another student Haydn wasn’t familiar with. Perhaps that was part of the issue?

“Does it sound like I’m uncomfortable?” Haydn rubbed the back of his neck in a sheepish way while letting out an apologetic chuckle, a habit he had ever since he was pretty young. “No, I’m not. Don’t worry about it. The only way I’d really be one hundred percent comfortable is if the entire world spoke in Scottish English but I’m not so lucky. Plus, I need to practice anyway.” …which was true. It had been at least four years since he spoke to a person in Welsh. He was rusty but at least he wasn’t butchering the language like it happened when he dared to try with Russian.

Haydn answered with a single nod to Gareth’s question. Yes, he was a counselor but there was no need to say something stupid like ‘yes, I am a counselor, what do you need counseling with?’ because a) it had seemed slightly difficult to Gareth to ask the question in itself, there was no need to rub more salt in that particular wound, and b) Haydn knew that a lot of younger people were more easily embarrassed than adults, and giving sassy or unnecessary replies wouldn’t help with the situation at hand. Most of the times professors sent students to counseling, whether they accepted to go or not was their choice but if they did Haydn considered it as a success. Gareth hadn’t been sent by anyone, so it only proved that he was aware that there was something he needed to sort out. Sometimes it was better to talk to a stranger about problems, or at least Haydn thought so… now if he only dared to follow his own advice…

“What would you like to talk about?” Haydn asked, still sounding relaxed and offering a gentle smile. “It can be anything, I’m all ears.” Haydn didn’t know how closed off Gareth would be with whatever he wanted to say. He was patient though, so if Gareth wanted to make sure he wasn’t some paid counselor who just listened because he was forced to, Haydn wouldn’t mind proving otherwise. It was also nice to learn a little bit more about students, what they liked and what they didn’t like so if Gareth wasn’t ready to speak and instead wanted to talk about random stuff it would be alright as well.

THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING OH THOSE MEMORIES
( • A S Y O U S P O K E Y O U R F O R K E D T O N G U E S H O W E D • )

W O R D S • 714
T A G G E D • gareth~
L Y R I C S • memories by lion if ido
T E M P L A T E • PANIC! ITS LAUZ of CAUTION
N O T E S • -nibbles on haydn-

[gareth nash brace]

Scottish English? Had Gareth head that right? That was... minorly unexpected, but okay. He would have labeled Haydn as French, but that was only because he couldn't recognize nationality when it was sitting under his nose and waving its arms around. ”Well, I would speak it to make you comfortable, but I don't know any of it,” he said, a wry smile reaching his face. If he was going to tell this guy his problems, he might as well try to lighten the air. Sadly, Gareth was probably the one that had darkened it in the first place. A bad habit of making everyone uncomfortable with how purely awkward he was, but maybe that was just in his mind. It was possible that other people didn't mind it as much as Gareth himself he did, but either way, he was just naturally awkward. Probably his mother's fault, when he thought about it. She had never seemed to like him that much, always favoring his kid sister over him. But it was just part of life, and he honestly couldn't remember her ever acting any different. He'd just been too much of a chicken to ask her why she was always so cold towards her only son, but how could he have started that conversation? He'd dealt with it, what else could he have done?

Oh, therapy was already working, wasn't it? Making him think about things like this, things that hadn't crossed his mind in oh so long. ”So... are you from Scotland, then?” The whole point of counseling was for Gareth to talk about himself, he knew that already. But he just couldn't tell everything about himself to some stranger, could he? It wouldn't feel right. Knowing where Haydn came from would at least make him a bit more comfortable, though it would still feel weird to talk about himself with someone that he honestly couldn't consider a friend. He didn't even talk about himself with his closest friends, though Cass might... disprove that soon. He wouldn't mind telling his boyfriend about his past, but his current problems? Whole other story. If Gareth ever admitted to himself that he had problems, that was. Which was unlikely. He thought he was totally fine, if not socially awkward and horrible at making friends.

”I... I don't know. What do people normally talk about?” Gareth was just plain lost when it came to things like this, simple as that. This was his first and hopefully last time in counseling. ”People say I have problems with self esteem, but I don't think that's true...” Just because he thought everything was his fault... well, it was true, wasn't it? That wasn't self esteem issues, it was just a fact. A painful fact, but he wasn't going to be convinced that it wasn't true. Not any time soon, at least. ”Could you... I don't know, ask questions or something? How do you feel about that?” The typical question was accompanied by a frantic little twirl of his hands in the air, as if he was trying to demonstrate... something. Some people did things like that when they were trying to put emphasis on a word or phrase, but Gareth was just too nervous to notice what he was doing. ”I don't know what to talk about otherwise.” Which was true. How was he supposed to talk about something if he didn't know what Haydn wanted or needed to hear about? He didn't want to bore the guy...

[haydn kristóff nobel]

THE TRUTH COMES OUT IN THE BREAKDOWNS
( • M E M O R I E S M Y G O D T H E S E M E M O R I E S • )

After a brief talk and the minor introduction he shared with Gareth, Haydn was able to draw at least one conclusion: Gareth made an effort to please others. While not exactly a bad thing, it could turn into something dangerous when people tended to put other’s priorities first. ‘People pleaser’ was a very crude and, in Haydn’s opinion, rude way to put it, but the term itself held some truth. Haydn didn’t want to label Gareth like one, mainly because labels were pretty but very unhelpful in the bigger scene. It’s not like the mind worked the same way as a machine, with instructions and studied solutions to solve problems. Every person had to be treated differently, everyone had different circumstances which made them and turned them into what others saw on a daily basis. That’s why Haydn liked to talk to people. He liked to learn more about them, and help them as much as he could.

At least Gareth was talking. It was really stressful when someone came to his office, expecting him to just magically fix them or simply remained quiet while Haydn was left to do all the talking. First of all he never considered anyone needed to be ‘fixed’ and if they did think some fixing was needed, Haydn was probably not the right person to do it. He was there to talk, to listen, to offer an unbiased opinion on what kids thought was a problem. That was the point of counseling after all. One thing Haydn didn’t like was when the conversation’s focus transferred from the student to himself. If there was one thing Haydn didn’t talk about was himself, and he had a long list of very valid reasons for that. He never denied the superficial stuff though, like his age, his hometown, his favorite things and stuff that anyone would be able to find from a facebook profile. “Yes, Glasgow to be precise. Never as artistic as Paris but certainly beautiful as well.” Gladly the personal questions stopped there and Gareth returned to the real purpose of the counseling, which was talking about him.

Haydn couldn’t help but let an understanding smile fill his face. It was surprising how many students came to him with the same thoughts. They came to counseling, but never really knew what to say or what to talk about… or what the whole counseling deal was about. “Well the whole point of counseling is for you to talk about something that’s either stressing you out, or bothering you, or that you feel you can’t talk with your friends or family. I’m neither, so I don’t exactly have any basis to judge you or say you’re right or wrong. I’m basically here just to listen. I could ask you a lot of questions, but I don’t think that’d made you feel comfortable, but if you insist… here’s one… your friends said you have self esteem problems, but you say you don’t. Why do you think they say you have problems? I’m guessing they’re the ones who told you to come here… any situation in particular that made them give you that advice?” This was certainly a direct approach, it sometimes worked, sometimes it didn’t. Well, Haydn had to try.

THEY DON'T MEAN ANYTHING OH THOSE MEMORIES
( • A S Y O U S P O K E Y O U R F O R K E D T O N G U E S H O W E D • )

W O R D S • 545
T A G G E D • gareth~
L Y R I C S • memories by lion if ido
T E M P L A T E • PANIC! ITS LAUZ of CAUTION
N O T E S • :3