keep holding on · Audrey

[anouk lirienne fournier]

It had slipped and now there was no going back. Talking to his brother everything had come up to the surface; all Anouk’s work to hide her problems had gone to waste. The worst part of it all was when she somehow agreed to go to the doctor with him. Once the doctor tell him everything then there was no way back. Luckily for her Audrey had saved her trip to the hospital with Alexei offering herself to fill his place. Anouk had been delighted by the idea and had to admit she had saved her, there was no doubt she owed Audrey big time. Now she was there trying to figure it out what to say to him when she get back, probably just some hormonal change or something of the sort, even the flu could work. Everything but the true, and she knew Audrey won’t let her down on this, she won’t tell him even if he begged. Sighing she walked toward her wardrobe to pick an outfit to wear and then wrote a note to Alexei and waved her parents goodbye.

She made a face, they were snogging again. At least they seemed happy enough and though Alexei had said her mother was worried she didn’t seem so at all. She seemed innocently unaware of what was going on in her daughter’s life. The cold air of the autumn hit her face and she braced herself, part fear and part cold. She loved Paris but today the weather was matching her mood, the sky was grey, clouds promising a good hard rain at some point of the day, the air around her seemed gloom. How could she not feel sad today when she was heading toward her death sentence? Someone other than her will know about her problems, they will diagnose her depression and start to medicate her. She didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing, she hadn’t decided it yet, but she knew it was going to be hard to hide now.

Stopping on her way to the meeting point she grabbed a coffee for herself, knowing Audrey didn’t like it, and sipped it absentminded while walking. How was she going to explain Alexei that she was taking medication? She couldn’t. But taking into account that he spent all his time in the gallery and that she was always out then he won’t even notice. Then another question popped into her mind. If she was going to take medication how could she go partying and drinking? She wasn’t ready for that, if she was diagnosed depression she would refuse the medication, she would find a way around without it. A voice forced her back to earth as she lifted her eyes from her coffee and saw Audrey there, she placed her mask in her face again and gave the girl the best smile she could manage, it was more of a sad smile than anything but she needed a bit more time to compose herself. “Hey, you hadn’t been here for long right?” She said as a greeting, checking her clock. “Thanks for saving me, I owe you big time. Let’s go” Anouk was truly grateful so she’d rather not be doing it, at least now she was on her way so better get it over with quickly.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 557

[audrey emily hathaway]

there is a fire starting in my heart .

[/i][/color][/font]
REACHING A FEVER PITCH, AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE DARK. FINALLY I
CAN SEE YOU CRYSTAL CLEAR, GO AHEAD AND SELL ME OUT AND I'LL LAY YOUR
SHIP BARE. SEE HOW I'LL LEAVE WITH EVERY PIECE OF YOU. DON'T UNDER
ESTIMATE THE THINGS THAT I WILL DO. THERE'S A FIRE STARTING IN MY HEART
REACHING A FEVER PITCH, AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE DARK. THE SCARS OF[/CENTER]

a couple of nights ago alex had been arguing with anouk about going to the doctors because she hadn't been sleeping well. and audrey had been there to witness the whole thing. it wasn't easy, being a friend of both siblings. the girl agreed to take anouk to the doctors, and she told alex that she would tell him if anything was horribly wrong. but she promised anouk that she wouldn't tell alex. audrey's head was confused and she had no idea what she should do. but she knew that she was going to the doctors that day. it was a chilly autumn day, summer had passed by too soon, but it was too late. audrey had all ready dressed up and was on her way to the hospital lobby. so what if she looked silly with her white dress and simple gray cardigan? people weren't going to say anything about her. it was paris, and people in paris tended to dress for fashion instead of the weather. audrey was no different. maybe it was because she was raised in such a high class family, but she tended to stray away from sweats and jeans and t-shirts unless she was in the comfort of her home.

anouk had told audrey about her problems, her depression, and that hit home harder than anything anouk had ever said to her. audrey was depressed, and it would be no surprise if she still was. years of being exposed to what people thought about her made her unstable, it made her strive for perfection (even if there was no such thing as perfect), and it made her throw up her food so she could become more skinny and attractive. not that she wasn't pretty, there were enough guys who had wanted to get into her pants, but audrey felt like she was the ugliest person in the world. she felt worthless, and she felt like that the guys were only making fun of her when they tried to woo her. she had never been in a relationship, and she was too insecure to try to be in one. but there was this one person who made her feel special... audrey blushed as she sat down in one of the couches. around her were sick people, dying people, healthy people, babies, children, adults, and elders. the atmosphere was so active, so busy, and there were so many sounds around her.

audrey almost didn't notice the other second year old walk towards her with a coffee in her hand. audrey didn't like coffee, maybe it was because she was from england- where all they drank was tea- but she never found it appetizing. hi anouk she said, and the other girl gave her a small sad smile. audrey felt daggers through her heart, she wished that there was some way she could help her friend out. she knew first handed what it felt like to be so gloomy and feel so hopeless, and she didn't wish that feeling on anyone. she had never went to the doctors, since it would only spread gossip, and she hoped that whatever doctor anouk was going to would help. no, i just got here. audrey said quietly, smiling. it was a lie, she had been here for a good thirty minutes because she couldn't stand being late or being held up by traffic, but she wasn't going to make her friend feel bad. no problem, that's what friends are for. she said again, her smile seeming more genuine as she spoke the saying that was so overused. she agreed and started following the girl. she had never been here before, and surely the artist knew the hospital better than she did. the silence separated them, but it also seemed more comfortable. it left the two girls to tend to their own thoughts.

your love , they leave me breathless ,

[/i][/color][/font]
I CAN'T HELP FEELING WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL. ROLLING IN THE DEEP. TEARS
ARE GONNA FALL, ROLLING IN THE DEEP. YOU HAD MY HEART INSIDE OF YOUR HAND.
YOU'RE GONNA WITH YOU NEVER HAD MET ME. AND YOU PLAYED IT TO THE BEAT.
TEARS ARE GONNA FALL, ROLLING IN the DEEP. BABY, I HAVE NO STORY TO BE TOLD,
BUT I'VE HEARD ONE OF YOU, AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR HEAD BURN. THINK OF ME.[/CENTER]

status finished.
tagged anouk.
word count some number.
notes i was really distracted, sorry.
lyrics rolling in the deep- adele.
credit dana bear .

[anouk lirienne fournier]

She felt bad dragging Audrey into her private affairs and it had all been because she happened to come across her fight with Alexei. She knew she was placing her into a bad position, she was also friends with Alexei and that would make her feel bad about hiding things from him. But this was all about her and her problems, and it was her decision to tell him or not, it wasn’t upon Audrey’s shoulder and she wanted to make sure the girl knew that. She already did enough for her coming, and Anouk was almost tempted to send her back home if she wasn’t so scared about her own reaction. “Look, I know I’m getting you in a bad spot with my brother with this.” She stared, not sure how to phrase her sentence without being rude. She wanted the pressure off her friend shoulders because Anouk didn’t want to be there anymore than Audrey did. “I want you to know, whatever happens in there is my choice to tell him, and if he asks you should say that.” She smiled to the girl hoping she had got her point across.

She walked toward a waiting room with white folding plastic chairs and a coffee table with old magazines. Young girls her age and boys were sitting in the room also waiting for their turn. Anouk couldn’t believe she was about to go to the place she most avoided. She was feeling exposed as if everyone in the room knew why she was there, and they most certainly did because they were there for the same reason. Anouk hated to be pitied, and hated to talk about her private matters, she kept everything to herself, especially since her mother re-married and spent less and less time with her. “How are class going for you so far?” She asked trying to find a topic she wouldn’t have to think about Alexei or where she was, but it was Audrey she was talking to and most likely his name was going to come up a few times. She had the impression they had something, mostly because he had listened to her when he refused to listen someone else, even her.

She was curious about it but she couldn’t feel mad at her, not even if she liked him and he liked her back. Of course that wouldn’t help, so she had to know, she had to ask. “So, how are thing between my brother and you? I’m still surprised he actually listened to you.” She said and bit her tongue, lately that damn depression was making her spill things she wanted to keep secret, and she didn’t want Audrey to know what she felt toward him. But if she keep showing her feelings around someone will eventually notice, and that would really be a problem for her. “No offense to you intended.” Anouk added laughing, knowing it had come a little sharper than she had intended in the first place. “It’s just that he is the stubborn type.” But she loved him nonetheless and there was no way helping that. She hoped her name will be called soon enough, she hated waiting in that room, it made her feel sick, or maybe it was the lack of sleep but she wanted to be out of that place, and she wanted it soon.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 562

[audrey emily hathaway]

there is a fire starting in my heart .

[/i][/color][/font]
REACHING A FEVER PITCH, AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE DARK. FINALLY I
CAN SEE YOU CRYSTAL CLEAR, GO AHEAD AND SELL ME OUT AND I'LL LAY YOUR
SHIP BARE. SEE HOW I'LL LEAVE WITH EVERY PIECE OF YOU. DON'T UNDER
ESTIMATE THE THINGS THAT I WILL DO. THERE'S A FIRE STARTING IN MY HEART
REACHING A FEVER PITCH, AND IT'S BRINGING ME OUT THE DARK. THE SCARS OF[/CENTER]

audrey understood where anouk was coming from. she understood that she didn't want alex to know anything, and she understood that the sibling stuff was their business. and just because she was dragged into the conversation didn't give her a right to interfere with any of the things. she was just a friend who was willing to help another friend out. and that's all that she was. she understood that no matter what she wanted to do, she wasn't allowed to do it. and surely since she promised anouk that she wouldn't tell alex, she wouldn't. she never promised alex she would tell him what happened at the doctors, she only said that she would if there was something wrong. she never said when she would tell him, too. so it didn't necessarily count as lying when she didn't tell alex what happened. and she knew that anouk was trying to stress that point. that she would tell him when she wanted to, and there was no way that audrey should tell him anything. oh, no, it's not a problem. alex won't be mad if he doesn't know anything. and if you want to tell him, you can. i won't be saying anything until you want to, she said in a soft voice, responding to the statement that her friend had spoke. her voice was quiet, but it was firm and she hoped that anouk got the point. she ended with a smile to respond to the other girl's smile.

audrey walked into the waiting room, instinctively, she checked all the magazine covers to see any news about her. there was one, and she grabbed it before anyone else could. her blue eyes scanned the front cover, and there was a small caption in the lower left hand corner. 'THE SWEETHEART, WHERE DID SHE GO?' the magazine was in english, and it was probably an english magazine. before anouk read over her shoulder, audrey quickly flipped to a page about the american revolution and how far america had gone. and she sat there, silently, reading the book. she remembered a couple years ago where she was sitting in this exact spot, and she understood what anouk was probably feeling. when she was here, she didn't want to talk to anyone, she wanted time to think. so audrey was quiet, and let anouk think. but the girl had other things on her mind and started a conversation about school. school. that's all people ever talked about because there was nothing else to. it wasn't a touchy subject, and it was a really general question. it was like the weather, people couldn't get offended talking about school. oh, it's going fine. i'm just worried about a couple of exams coming up around the corner. how about your classes?

audrey flipped the page of the magazine, looking for something for her mind to do without wandering to her past. too bad that the next page was a picture of her, five years ago, the first and only time that she posed for photographers. she was fourteen, and she couldn't believe that the picture was still circulating around the press. britian really must not have anything to write about if they were going to write about her again. it had been three years since she left, and it was hot news for the first year or so, but then it mostly died out. the fire had been ignited again because of the upcoming elections. and everyone knew that minister hathaway was the favorite for winning. audrey flipped the page again, and started reading about teenage pregnancy. anouk spoke again, this time asking about alex. audrey gave a little smile, thankful to have something positive to talk about. we're good. i think i might be visiting his gallery sometime and going out to lunch with him. you should tag along if you want. she said cheerfully, hoping that lunch with a friend would let the tension between the siblings cease for a while. audrey gave a tiny laugh, yeah, he is stubborn. and i'm surprised he listened to me too. she ran her fingers through her blonde hair before looking at the girl's brown eyes with her own blue ones. how are you and alexei?

your love , they leave me breathless ,

[/i][/color][/font]
I CAN'T HELP FEELING WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL. ROLLING IN THE DEEP. TEARS
ARE GONNA FALL, ROLLING IN THE DEEP. YOU HAD MY HEART INSIDE OF YOUR HAND.
YOU'RE GONNA WITH YOU NEVER HAD MET ME. AND YOU PLAYED IT TO THE BEAT.
TEARS ARE GONNA FALL, ROLLING IN the DEEP. BABY, I HAVE NO STORY TO BE TOLD,
BUT I'VE HEARD ONE OF YOU, AND I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR HEAD BURN. THINK OF ME.[/CENTER]

status finished.
tagged anouk.
word count some number.
notes
lyrics rolling in the deep- adele.
credit dana bear .

[anouk lirienne fournier]

She had the impression Audrey somehow misunderstood what she was trying to say. Though it was true it wasn’t her business at all what she wanted to convey was that the blonde girl didn’t have to feel obliged to neither him nor her. She didn’t need the pressure on her shoulders; it was something she should carry on alone, like she had been doing all this time. The only reason she was there was because Alex wouldn’t have allowed her to go alone to the hospital, not even if she swear to tell him later what had happened. Because he knew that wasn’t going to happen, though he trusted her and have no reason to suspect about her hiding something from him, it was her own guilty feelings mixing everything and messing up with the reactions of others. Anouk always looked for a second meaning at his sentences, to make sure he didn’t have a clue of what was going on with her. Sometimes she wanted for that hint to be there with so much force than her own mind played tricks on her. She looked outside the window at the sky; it didn’t matter to her if it was sunny or cloudy because her own clouds didn’t allow her to see far from that. She wasn’t feeling comfortable at all sitting there; it was as if admitting she had a problem but she believed she got everything under control, this was only to make Alexei happy. Anouk never allowed anyone to tell her what to do, but when it came to him she was no more than a puppet, she always gave in to his wishes, and made sure he was happy. It was so pathetic to numb herself in such a way…

“I appreciate you coming with me. I just wanted to make sure this is not your problem; I don’t want this pressure on you. You are his friend too; I don’t want to create a bad atmosphere between the two of you.” Though she was jealous of the blonde girl, because she knew what Alexei though about her, the same way she was jealous of his assistant, because she got to spend more time with him than she, his own sister, spent. She hated that girl and she didn’t even know her. She shook her head, tempted to do what Audrey had done, pick a magazine but she wasn’t in the reading mood at all, and she didn’t want to pretend either. She was scared of having her problem voiced and the cards on the table, the decision of what to do up to her and no one else. Facing it, solving it, was harder than numbing it down with alcohol and drugs and parties and a long list of boyfriends. A small smile curved Anouk’s lips as she thought of Cass. He had been so considerate to her, picking her up for school, dragging her along to party… He always made sure she was happy and had everything she needed. They were serious in whatever it was what they had, just their own way of being serious. He kept flirting with every girl, she kept flirting with every boy and partying without him, but at the end of the day then always ended up together somehow. Neither of them felt the need of naming what they had, it wouldn’t change it if it had a name after all.

She shrugged her shoulder as the girl asked her back about school. She didn’t have problems with her grades, she had made sure of that so her parents would be off her back and she had mostly consumed her time painting day and night. But it all ended being blue, different shades but blue after all, and with the same traces of agony, sadness and despair. She had some cheerful ones though, for the exhibit. “Good I guess.” Anouk move to a more important topic, her brother, after all it was always on her mind, she had to suppress the scowl on her face when she mentioned she was going to his gallery and have some lunch with him, to calm down she had to repeat herself Audrey was just a friend, but the mantra didn’t work very well, though her fake smile was still in place. “Nah, you go ahead with him, I have things to do and I spend most of my time with Cass anyway.” She chewed on her fingernails, a bad habit when she was nervous or wanted to avoid a topic, but Audrey had asked her directly and it had been her own fault for bringing up the subject. “I guess it’s as good as it can be, he keeps bugging me about Cass and I keep bugging him about his assistant, but we do spend some time together.” Just some nights ago they had spend the night watching a movie at home and enjoying each other company like the old times. Another smile curved her lips; she wished it would always be that way.

----

OUTFIT, here
WORD COUNT, 843